I'm just gonna preface this by saying The Handmaiden makes the acting, the technical side, the story and the emotional impact of each and every one of Oscar movies this year look the last Transfomers movie-level of awful.

But before we get to the sole 10/10 Tinkerbell approved 2016 movie...

Paging Andrew cause I'm about to write something nice about Mommy...while shitting on La La Land, but still. I found it to be in really poor and manipulative fashion that the only thing in the movie to elicit emotional response from me was that what if? ending. Remember how it was done in Mommy? How it was the mother imagining all those things she was giving up while making a decision? Here's Mia having a vision, most of it not even making sense (she remembers even something as precious as their first encounter to be different) just to make for cute images and emotional scene. 

Nope.

Gosling was cosplaying as wood plank again. Jesus Christ, this guy needs to stick to comedies or just go with bulletproof amazing scripts like Blue Valentine or Lars and the Real Girl. With Magnificent Blue, Hardy, Fassbender, all those great, interesting actors you just see there is something  - so much of that magic something - under the surface. They are like this fizzling ball of energy that makes them so unpredictable and amazing to watch. I never know what the fuck these guys are about to do on screen when I watch a movie with them for the very first time. I know exactly what Gosling will do once I see that he is set comfortably in his stoic pose in a movie. He is gonna blink. And that is it. 

The only thing under Gosling's surface are dying termites, probably.

Just for the record I do not hate The Gos. For example in a showdown with Gyllenhaal he wins for me. The dude is almost my win for The Big Short last year and I think the Academy committed a shameful snub when he was not nominated for Blue Valentine.

And really, Emma Stone? As I was watching her audition scene which everyone is shitting themselves about I was like 'lol, that's it?'.

And that was a romance? They had brother/sister chemistry. Romance my ass! 

I really don't think the casting was good here. Emma and Ryan are adorable together, but Emma is not someone who is well suited for this 'oh my God her talented mesmerized the world!' part. Also there was no reason for Gosling's character to be so young hence there was no reason to cast Gosling who is arguably the best fit out of young actors in their 30s for a musical. They could have gone with an actress that is truly spectacular like Gugu Mbatha-Raw - this one is so lovely and talented you immediately take notice. The fact Mia achieves success was not believable to me, because there was nothing special about her (nor is there about Stone). And why not cast someone with charisma of Fassbender as Sebastian? The part required him to simply play the piano and dance. Come on.

Still, imagine what a clusterfuck this would be with Teller and Watson. Ysh.

The only song that stayed in my head was City of Stars. I need to get wasted to the point the part of brain responsible for memory gets drowned tonight because I don't wanna hear Gosling whistling in my head. I hear enough things in my head as it is anyways.

You know, maybe my dreams are just so much different that I couldn't relate to people who want to act and make music for a living. I was never like that. I went to college in a field I was never passionate in, then I got a soul sucking job just so I have money and don't end up under the bridge. My dreams on Monday mornings are for it to be Friday evening already. My dreams are to have a stress free job one day and not end up dead and alone after which Gustav would eat my face off. And once I inevitably do die from alcohol poisoning or Ed Harris being too hot on Westworld that someone will take care of Gustav. Fame? Fortune? Making art? Eh, OK... 

Here are the facts, though:

1. On the day I saw what is now tied with Titanic and All About Eve (which are both great films) for record 14 Oscar nominations I ate pizza and bought myself a leopard print coat and both of those things made me happier than what is being called 'the most uplifting movie of 2016' 2. Not a single person I know in real world thought it was great 3. I ranked best to worst BP winners since 2000 and if La La Land wins it's gonna be 11th. 

I know there are some people claiming there is backlash (there is, but mostly it's just people saying it's 'meh' - that ain't backlash) and that the movie "whitesplains jazz and the black guy in it is a sell out" (I don't give a fuck about those SJW issues so I don't care) but the truth is that this movie is the worst kind of movie - it's forgettable and mediocre. It's not bad enough to hate on and not good enough to praise. It inspires no passion. I won't remember what happened in it in a month.

Moving on to another popular thing you guys love....

People need to stop with those 'Adams was snubbed' remarks. One of the most overrated actresses ever who stole the nominations from far more deserving women in the past finally doesn't get a nomination and people go oh, poor snowflake. Yeah, it is unfair the movie got in so many times and she didn't. But considering she has no range and yet managed to get 5 nominations during one decade, when the acting legends have less in several decades it's laughable when people whine about her snub. Anyone could wander onto the set of Arrival and do what she did. And the same goes for most of her roles. Fuck this shit. The Academy made her insufferable by overrating her and now the fans (and this hick) are making her even more insufferable by pitying her whilst overlooking all those times better actresses were ignored for her sake. It has gotten to the point I almost don't want Sharp Objects to get made at all because it's one of my favorite books and Adams will annoy the shit out of me on the screen. 

They are re-releasing Arrival with additional 8 minutes of footage because apparently it wasn't long and boring enough yet. Oh gee. Is it more of Adams wandering and gazing into the horizon? 

Also Villeneuve, you is stupid. Upon getting his first director nomination for a movie that got a total of 8 he chose to go 'oh but...'. Academy is pettier than I am. And you just shat the bed, Denis.

Jackie. It's a great movie and once you get used to Portman's accent she is terrific. But that is if you put aside those "archive footage" sequences of her showing people around the White House. All I could think of was that episode of Modern Family where Gloria is mad that people laugh at her English and starts to overenunciate every word.

I more admired it than loved it. I gave it 9/10 because it genuinely deserved that for being a well made movie that respected the audience, for the score and for Portman. She had shockingly few potential Oscar clip moments but the one moment that I thought was the most affecting was the close up of her face as she was washing off her husband's blood. The back and forth between the glimpses of assassination and the funeral was also extremely well made.

Make no mistake though, Portman, as good as she is, isn't even half as good as the winner of last year for me, Theron for Fury Road. But Stone's performance in Whistling and Dancing isn't even in the same league.

Still, as great as Jackie was I didn't love it either. 

Oh, but then Wednesday came! That's when I saw The Handmaiden and it's my first and only 10/10 for 2016 movie. I'll review this one next week. I was thinking of titling the review 'pussy bells' but let's face it, it's bad enough a perv runs this place, let's not attract more with Google search.

Yesterday I made this:

I wonder what the non-pathetic people were doing at that time.

Last Friday I was supposed to finish Sweet Dreams. Of course I passed out before I did. But before that happened I saw the rest of Pain and Gain and this ended up being surprisingly not awful for Michael Bay flick. Of course it helped that Ed was there. This also helped. Also I noticed that sometime in 00's he started talking with Southern drawl. Has he woken up one morning, decided he is not deadly hot enough as it is and just started talking like this? 

Sir, enough. I cannot possibly get more turned on.

Also during the end credits this happened. Jesus Christ, how irresponsible are these people? You cannot just put up gigantic 'and Ed Harris' and follow it up by the close up of him as Gangsta's Paradise is playing in the background. That's just too cool. I legit let out a sigh.

So tonight Sweet Dreams.

Throughout the week bit by bit I saw HBO mini series Empire Falls where Ed played the main character but the cast also included - Paul Newman (his last performance before he died), Joanne Woodward (she hasn't been in any movie since), Philip Seymour Hoffman, Aidan Quinn and Helen Hunt. It wasn't as sensational as other HBO mini series but it was beautifully acted and the cast was a joy to watch. Paul Newman played Ed's dad so that's a great casting right there. All. The. Blue.

This week I found out that not only Brittani has never heard of Glengarry Glen Ross (how is this possible?) but also that she hasn't seen The Hours. And m.brown saw Perfect Sense and made no connection between Stephen Dillane appearing in it and me adoring him so much. Also do check out the comment section in his post - is he being intentionally provoking? Does he want to die?

I have failed in life. Y'all claim you read this website, well, the second you see Dillane your immediate thought should be 'oh hey that's this guy Sati likes! I bet she saw that film!'. And how do you go on without seeing 2 performances out of top 10 performances by Ed Harris? Always Be Closing and Julianne Moore's performance as Laura? Ed Harris's rant in GGR and beautiful performance in TH? What is going on?!  I am gonna teach you all about important stuff. I decided to make a gigantic post where I rank all the Ed Harris movies I saw (which very soon will be close to 75% of everything he has done) and I'm gonna post it with screencaps and everything.

Next step is me locking you up in a basement because unacceptable!

I tweet a lot of stuff but this one may be my most popular tweet ever. 

This gossip site I visit always says Sebastian Stan looks like a pervert so they must be so happy with those pics.

Again let me just say how psyched I am Michael Shannon is nominated. I cannot wait to see what he wears to Oscars. Also imagine his speech if he won! The guy is incredible. I loved his reaction to being nominated. 

Kristen Stewartis gonna host SNL. I hope it goes well, she is a very cool person and she faced so much unwarranted crap in her life.  

Just what the fuck is going on in Sundance?! 

However thisThoroughbred movie with Anya-Taylor Joy sounds really promising

Constance Wu is throwing a lot of shit at Academy for nominating Casey Affleck. Help me out here - why is there not more of this? And yet everyone is trashing Gibson? 

Yet another look at Feudand Sarandon looking even more like Bette Davis here ---> 

Stop the presses. Tom Hardy and Michael Fassbenderwent to the same drama school at the same time. Now we just need to build a time machine, get Ed Harris to teach in that school, transport me there and we got ourselves 'Tinkerbell goes to school" movie. 

Go ahead. 

Guess the genre of it.

The Vanity Fair cover with chicks out of Oscar season (and Lupita who is there for some reason along with Fifty Shades chick they keep pushing on us until we all puke all over ourselves) is just awful. They all look like they were photoshopped in from separate pictures and Emma Stone and Greta Gerwig look drunker than I'm about to be.

I guess when Shia Labeoufis the face of the resistance, things must be really bad in America. 

Spoilers for Split - there is talk about this being the (highlight to read:) sequel to Unbreakable and how they will do joint sequel and someone on imdb wrote "Bruce Willis is pushing 65 and can barely walk." and I laughed so hard I almost fell off my chair.

Idris Elbais offering a date on Valentine's Day. Oh my God.

This is a tricky one. On one hand, good for Ewan. On another - great comeback, Piers.

The more stuff they release from The Wood and the Beastthe worse it looks. 

Batfleck continues to win in 'who had the worst week?' contest. Live by Nightwill most likely lose $75 million.  Now, I haven't seen the movie but I cannot imagine it being truly bad. The only Affleck's movie I disliked was, in spite of Ed Harris being in it, Gone Baby Gone but that was on account of one of the dumbest scripts ever, the directing itself was fantastic. I really hope things start looking up for Ben soon, it's just rough to watch his bad luck.

Flixchatter, MettelRay and m.brown review Split

Allie includes Westworld in her science fiction shows picks

I was going to see American Honey but after reading about the dog thing in Brittani's review I'm not gonna

OnTheScreenReviews has a write up on Jackie

Kevin and Keith react to Oscar nominations

RELATED POSTS:

The Handmaiden is based on the novel "Fingersmith" by Sarah Waters The novel is set in London during the 19th century, but the film is set in Korea in the 1930s, under Japanese colonial rule. The pickpocket Sook-Hee (Tae-ri Kim) is hired by the Japanese heiress Lady Hideko to be her personal servant. Hideko is supported by her Uncle Kouzuki and the gold-digger "Count Fujiwara", who is indeed son of peasants, wants to marry her to steal her inheritance. Sook-Hee is a small-time thief of the ring of the conman "Count Fujiwara" and is sent to help him in the confidence game. But soon Hideko and Sook-Hee get close to each other and become lovers.

 I saw this movie while knowing very little about it, all I knew is that there is a conspiracy against the heiress and the girl who is pretending to be her maid falls in love with her. The twist before part 2 (the film is divided into 3 parts) really took me off guard which is very rare, but I knew the movie was fantastic long before then.
Unlike every single release form 2016 this film didn't have elements that annoyed me or stood out in a negative way. Not a single thing in this movie was something I would change and that is the truth for all of my recent winners - I will not give a win to the movie that doesn't feel close to perfect. The Witch had pacing issues. The Neon Demon had the scenes where it was just Refn being weird for the sake of weird. The Nice Guys tried the admirable and decided it wanted to be a bit more than a comedy but it didn't accomplish this completely. Jackie had those tour of the White House scenes where even though Portman's enunciation was intentional it didn't make it any less grating. Arrival was just terrible.

This one was perfect. The Handmaiden totally reinvents itself with the plot twist and tells us a much different story for the remainder of the picture. And then the twists just come and come and they all shape such a wonderfully written tale. And it's all quite kinky too.

I see probably one foreign movie per year average so I don't know any of those actors. Apparently Tae-ri Kim is practically a newcomer and she did a wonderful job balancing innocence and willful ignorance of what a horrible plan is in store for Hideko. Min-hee Kim is even better balancing a different kind of innocence, the sheltered, shy kind with a devilish side which reminded me of Ok-bin Kim performance in Thirst (neither come close to that but to be fair that is one of my all time favorite female performances)
Tae-ri Kim was a fan of Min-hee Kim's work before they met. She did not know that Min-hee would be playing Hideko during the audition. Apparently it was only in a meeting with Park after being chosen, that Park asked who her favorite actor was. Tae-ri answered Min-hee and Park was very delighted. Tae-ri and Min-hee gradually built up their friendship and trust since 2014 during the preparation stage. During Tae-ri's Best New Actress acceptance speech at Buil Film Festival 2016, she dedicated the award to Min-hee whom she ''fell in love with at first sight''.

That fondness definitely shows in the movie as the two actresses have truly wonderful chemistry together - it's the sweet but also very passionate kind of chemistry and you can sense the attraction between them in every single scene they share.  It's just such a vast divide when you compare the quality of pretty much every single thing here with what passes for 'best' of the year in Oscar season. So-ri Moon as the aunt did more with a single smile than most of supporting actresses in those films. I do not know where Park finds all those incredible actresses but they are all always so fantastic in his films.

Park has always made very sensual movies - Stoker and especially Thirst are some of the hottest movies ever made. What's incredible is that this sensuality isn't undermined by quite a bit of gore that happens in his films. When you are like me and mostly watch American movies you forget what damn prudes American filmmakers are. This is why every single sex scene in recent American films is a joke - they are awfully short just not to piss off MPAA and the actresses always have a bra on. What Park does is that not only he shows how actual sex looks but he lingers on. He holds the camera on those who are making love, to the point you are actually uncomfortable because being used to what is in other films the scene should have cut away long time ago. Also it's all so beautifully shot, it's as if the bodies actually become one. The sex scenes in the movie are incredibly explicit but not once do they feel vulgar or cheap.
Park could also school other filmmakers on how those scenes should be made.  All the crew members were asked to leave the set and only a female staff holding the boom microphone was present. The scenes were filmed with a remote controlled camera.Tae-ri Kim said she felt slightly insecure with performing the simulated lesbian sex scenes, but Min-hee Kim reassured and energized her.

The entire film is splendidly shot and has a gorgeous score, the costumes are beautiful to look at and most of the frames in the movie could be a painting - the composition, the colors, they are just unforgettable. I'd recommend this to everyone - it's very accessible for a western viewer and comparing to other 2016 movies I've seen it really stands out as something truly magical and captivating.

Ah-ga-ssi (2016, 144 min)
Plot: A woman is hired as a handmaiden to a Japanese heiress, but secretly she is involved in a plot to defraud her.
Director: Chan-wook Park
Writers: Seo-kyeong Jeong
Stars: Min-hee Kim, Jung-woo Ha, Jin-woong Jo

I had a nice week - I am staying home for the most of it. I have a cold. I actually went to work on Monday, then in the evening as I was watching The Way Back and Ed Harris was eating a dead animal with his bare hands I probably should have guessed the fact I was sweating and had a fever during that meant I had a cold. 

But I have a fever and sweat during all of his films so there really was no way of knowing.

Anyways, since Tuesday I was home which is nice because I cannot remember the last time I had time off work.

The biggest story this week is what Nicole Kidman wore to SAG awards. Look, parrots and this weird fabric thing on the chest aside, this is a gorgeous dress. And those parrots wouldn't even be bad. But the hair! This would look lovely with red hair yet Nicole continues to have that awful piss color. And this terrible hairstyle - this looks like something one has going on on their head before cleaning the toilet, not attending the awards.

What Winona Ryder didon that stage was disturbing. She has a history of anxiety attacks and I think this was what was going on. Then she was made into a meme which was also awful to witness. And David Harbour's obnoxious speech....you are accepting an award for a kid/science-fiction show. Pipe down.

Brie Larson's "face didn't change when she read Affleck's name during Globes" claim was rendered moot when she did this. I really hope Washington gets that Oscar. If Russel Crowe lost to him for A Beautiful Mind for throwing a phone backstage at BAFTAs then Affleck should lose for having all those disturbing rumors looming above him. Don't give the mark of approval to someone like this, Academy.

Evan Rachel Wood and many celebrities wore velvet to SAG and first of all that is so last fall and second of all Evan looked awful. That thick suit looked like it was weighting her down.

Ben Affleck did not snap as I predicted he might soon. He run. Well, almost. Ben is still tied by the balls to DCEU with the upcoming two part trainwreck that is Justice League. Some people actually thought WB may have a shot of booking the likes of Denis Villenuve to shoot the movie now, but DCEU is such a dumpster fire that it would take someone truly desperate or insane to do this. Affleck is probably not gonna appear in the movie and I imagine it will be stuck in development hell until it's officially cancelled. 

DCEU is like that mangled Ripley clone in fourth Alien movie begging to be killed. It's just painful to watch.

If you would have told me two years ago ago that Aquaman is gonna be the only DCEU movie that looks promising I would not believe it. But it does and Nicole Kidman is in talks to star as Aquaman's mother. Setting aside the "logistics" and sexism of this given that Kidman is only 12 years older than Momoa and she is getting hired to play 'mother' role, she does look perfect for the part, going by the way Google tells me she looked in animated versions of the story and comic books.

Here's Rihanna thinking she is in Bodyguard while she is actually in Bates Motel profaning cinematic history. Also she is wearing velvet (or is it velour? I'm gonna venture a guess velvet is more expensive so this is probably what she has on, while the slutty little dresses in my closet are velour) IN THE RAIN. This is the most insane thing I've seen this week and we have Johnny Depp news ahead of us here. 

But before we get to that, here are my thoughts on movies I saw since the last rambling session:

Split is nowhere near the best Shyamalan's films, but it's pretty damn good. I'm so glad it is most likely going to top the box office in US again (for the 3rd time!), Anya Taylor-Joy is so wonderful and I hope she becomes a huge star. I'm so impressed that they had $10 mln budget and somehow got McAvoy to star in the lead role. Also given the amazing money the movie is making and the fact so many people are seeing it I really do hope McAvoy will somehow be remembered the next Oscar season. Not that his work is as amazing as people say (he is good but not all-time awesome kind of great, kinda like Portman in Jackie) but because the Academy made a huge error by omitting him for Atonement. I'll give McAvoy this, though - at times it was like watching modern Norman Bates.

And I got so giddy during the ending. The financial success of the film means we are getting that third movie so that's awesome.

Doctor Strange is an extremely forgettable, standard Marvel flick. Of course it's better to be a forgettable Marvel movie than a violent, rapid trash fire of DCEU.  Still, it wasn't very good. It was fun enough as the accompaniment to my Pringles on Sunday evening, but nothing more. And can Hollywood please give Mads Mikkelsen more to do than brooding in rags with optional glitter on his face in blockbusters?

Hell or High Water - I really enjoyed that one. Probably the best one liners in any movie from 2016, except for Shannon in Nocturnal Animals. Great, script, great acting from everyone. This is like 2016's Big Short - I see myself referencing and rewatching this movie the most out of the year's finest films. Jeff Bridges is always great and it's cool he got a nomination but Ben Foster was straight up robbed! Chris Pine surprised me. This is his best work since that single tear he shed after Glory was sang during the Oscars two years ago. Also the line about sweet girls turning into devils when they are revved up got a (cute) chuckle/nod from me. Truly entertaining movie.

Lion is a beautiful movie. It has some serious pacing issues, but the story itself is incredibly moving. I cried like 10 times during that movie. Nicole Kidman is incredible here - she is not in this as much as you'd think but unlike Naomie Harris in Moonlight it doesn't seem like too little. She infuses her character with such warmth and such motherly love, it's really lovely to witness. Rooney Mara actually looked alive in this and Dev Patel was excellent. The little boy who played Saroo was just amazing. I also liked the original score, it was at least noticeable because out of so many 2016 movies I don't remember a single track.

and now what really matters:

Sweet Dreams is seriously Ed Harris' best performance. Also it's basically porn:

 I mean I have like 20-30 movies of his left to watch but I just don't think it's possible he can top this. I was speechless watching him. I'm assuming wounded animal noises I was making don't count as 'speech'.  

Jessica Lange (who said this was the most fun she's ever had working on a film) was very good but he was straight up robbed by the Academy back in 1985. He was a complete beast in that and the toxic relationship between him and Lange's character (famous singer Patsy Cline) really gave them so much to do. I don't even wanna know if they really hit each other in many, many scenes portraying domestic violence but it was very realistic.

He played the kind of guy who takes out his frustrations by beating up his partner but at the same time in twisted way he loves her. And he conveyed all of that. And beyond. There is this moment where she is in the hospital after a car accident and her mother walks into a room in their house and he is sitting on the floor crying while listening to her records. I've never seen anything like it.

Also hands down, the most handsome he has ever looked. Seriously wounded animal noises, guys. 

All over my room. 

Gustav was MAAAAD.

So on Saturday I asked Brittani, who saw both The Way Back and Radio, which one I should see. She said that Radio was corny and she liked The Way Back. I did google search and it turned out Ed plays a teacher in Radio so that was conclusive as to what to watch first.

The film was indeed corny. I'm pretty sure the jokes about Simple Jack etc. in Tropic Thunder were inspired by Cuba Gooding Jr. here.

Still, Ed playing a teacher did play nicely into my whole Tinkerbell goes to school idea from last week.

I think this is the moment where y'all pitch in and buy a cage for me to be locked in.

I did watch The Way Back on Sunday and Monday. No, not twice, just took me this long because damn that was one long and depressing movie. I also needed subtitles because Colin Farrell really went all in with crazy accent there.

I saw The Firm on Tuesday and that was pretty good, Tom Cruise there really makes Gosling look manly. Ed was bald in it for some reason but he did play a special agent so rawr.

Just randomly perving about Ed in The Rock because why not.

First look at Oceans 8. The outfits...I'm gonna spend so much money online shopping after this movie. I can sense it. 

New Ghost in the ShellTV spot features better look at Michael Pitt's character and some creepy and awesome special effect.

Lord of the Rings reunion happened this week!

Matthew McConaughey said some stuff about Trump and people are really mad at him. 

There is just no way to type this differently so...

Here's Jon Hamm's bulge.

and now the really hilarious stuff:

Mel Gibson and Vince Vaughnwill star in a movie about police brutality. But the promising thing is that the director of Bone Tomahawk is doing this one so it may be good.

 And finally Johnny Depp's monthly spending money ways are a thing to behold. I cannot even come up with a funny comment here because this is surreal. $3 mln to shoot ashes out of the cannon. Staff of 40 people. 14 properties around the world. The wine budget of $30,000 is the least insane thing up there.

Kevin reviews 20th Century Women

Keith gives out his random movie awards for 2016

OnTheScreenReviews list top 10 movies of 80s

BigScreenSmallWords reviews The Girl on the Train

Dan and MettelRay choose films about painters. Thank God for Steven - the only one who featured Pollock which I intend to finally finish watching tonight.

FlixChatter reviews Manchester by the Sea

Brittani writes about SAG awards

Allie reviews Fences

here's m.brown awesome review of Hell or High Water. And if you think I had something to do with that dope Ed Harris reference you are absolutely right. The comment section there reveals disturbing things about our favorite blogger, though!

 and finally, this week during my 'googling Ed Harris' adventures (Jesus Christ, I hope the government is not watching me) I found amazing post by Alex where he shared top 10 scenes of Ed Harris' career. That Apollo 13 crying scene. I just can't even find the adjectives to describe it.

RELATED POSTS:

 The Beguiled trailer dropped and it is magic. I really hope it is good. It's such a hot premise, I told my mother about this one because she is so in love with Colin Farrell and she so wants to see it.

 Seriously my mother's love for this dude is a thing of beauty. She hasn't actually seen a single movie with him. She just sees his pictures in tabloids because he knocked up one of our actresses few years ago. She keeps telling me how amazingly she played that, baby trapping him like that. I find it a bit contradictory to her telling me my entire life I should study and have a good profession. Why the fuck did I become a lawyer if my mother admires a woman who baby trapped Farrell more? That seems way more fun than my shitty job for sure.

Also clearly I should have been in that movie. I have braids like Dunst's character all the time and half my wardrobe consists of lace blouses and long skirts (on a side note, man, do I look puffy today and I didn't even get hammered last nigt).

Also, my God if they have done that movie with Ed in the 90s it would be my favorite movie ever.

Tinkerbell in this school finds an injured soldier...I'll stop typing abut this now.

Imdb is shutting down its message boards. I think it's absolutely disgusting. I've been a member there for 11 years and I visited those boards daily. Yeah there were trolls but the trolls are everywhere - it's just a question of hiring moderators. Yet instead of doing that imdb is choosing to nuke the entire place. Not only were the message boards for the individual movies often times source of very good info but also there were plenty of really cool people there that I talked to over the years. 

Someone just posted on Ed Harris' board the other day how hot he was in The Hours even though he played a man dying of AIDS. Clearly there are my kindred spirits on those boards!

It's been suggested that it may be the studios putting the pressure on the website to lock the message boards because of some of the movies being trashed. So this is effectively the limitation of the free speech. What's next? What if they take away our twitter? Our tumblr? The comment sections of many websites are getting closed. So they are choosing to just take away the option to leave comments instead of getting people to moderate them. The cost of that would not be high, but apparently it's better to take away the freedom of expression from people. It's also such a stupid marketing move. Without the message boards I imagine instead of visiting imdb daily I will do so weekly, if that.

I really do not understand what the girls see in that 50 Shits dude. Look at him. Why is it enough for some women when all there is is 'pretty' face and the fit body? What about charisma? The magnetism? The dude can be handsome but do absolutely nothing for me like Henry Cavill who has reached the sub zero levels of charisma in his Superman performance. Why are these guys considered hot? (Kevin asked me today if I'm seeing the sequel and reviewing it. Oh yeah I am. Here's my review of the first one if you need a laugh and learn about my sex habits, apparently. I re-read it today and I was like, shit, I wrote that?)

And then there is this bitch...

Hiddlestonsinks even lower. 

No, no. Don't go 'ah, sensitive'. No self respecting man would wear that tank top. How is that we never know stuff about many celebrities' private lives or see them everywhere but we saw Swift and Hiddles every time they walked out on the street? This was staged and even if it wasn't to whine pathetically in a magazine and to go back to the reporter's room to 'explain' is not romantic or sweet, it's just needy and pathetic. 

The only explanation is that he is gay for his inept manager. And if it is the case then I feel sorry for this guy but if it's not, then just NO.

This is like the most embarrassing thing I saw a man do since Ronaldo sat on the grass in the middle of the game, cried and a moth sat on his fucking face.

God, where are all the men?!

Oh, there HE is.

In Tony's Soprano's voice: THE STRONG, SILENT TYPE.

(I'll write about this Earth shattering performance in a moment and yes, this is my gifset). 

I saw 6 movies with Ed this week. I saw nothing else. We're through the looking glass here, people. It's like whole new dimension of crazy right here. I feel you either need to stage an intervention or just let him know there is a youngish, not unattractive chick in Eastern Europe praying to him and worshiping every single thing he did and does.

I finally saw entire Pollock on Friday. My God, that was a heavy movie. Ed played a vicious alcoholic in that and at one point he called his wife a "fucking c*nt whore". I was that shocked kitten gif I post a lot when that happened.

Also the primary concern for me was the dog. I was like, dude, he died, his wife is away who is taking care of the dog? What is going on with him? Is he OK?

The film was very well done but there were several scenes that really puzzled me like the one that was about 15 second long where he stopped his car and found an injured dog and pet him and then the scene cut to something else. What the hell was that?

Still I powered through all of this and managed to perv hard:

Also do check out Ed's reaction when Marcia Gay Harden won an Oscar for this movie. Magic.

After that I saw Run All Night which was just awful. Ed's performance was the best thing about this film. It was fairly recent so he was in 'so hot but he looks 100 years old' mode (seriously, what the hell happened between A History of Violence and Appaloosa? It's like he aged a decade between those. Was he in the sun too long? Was it just the lightning in the movie? Is he too skinny? Can I feed him? Shall I stop typing this while I'm still ahead of the perv curve? Yes, I should). Neeson wasn't even trying in this movie. Also this is the second time when Ed was shot next to the railways.

I now get nervous whenever he is anywhere near railways.

On Saturday I saw Needful Things. As soon as I googled the pics and it turned out that Ed, at 43 years old here, played a sheriff I obviously chose to watch the extended 3 hour long version. The film was mediocre at best but my God that was fangirl heaven. He proposed in the diner. He made out with a woman on a boat. He cooked for her. He played with a dog. He was so noble. He literally fought the Devil. It was so delightful to watch that I can even let go of the fact that poor dog in this movie was skinned (it was a horror film). 

And frighteningly this was not the most traumatic scene involving a dog in a movie with Ed Harris I saw this week.

On Sunday I saw Man on a Ledge which was so forgettable. At least he was handcuffed in one scene so I had something to enjoy there.

On Monday I rewatched Gone Baby Gone again. Jesus, that is such a stupid movie and somehow by now I've seen it more times than some of my favs.

 That was the year when Bardem won an Oscar in supporting category. But for the life of me I do not understand how Ed was not nominated. That scene I shared in the gif above was just too powerful. Why, Academy? 

The man hasn't been nominated in 14 years now! 

14! 

For the love of God! That is a loooong time. That is as long as Arrival seemed to last for. That is half as long as I've been alive. Get your shit together, Academy, this is a disgrace.

I'm torn here because I'm sitting on so many embarrassing and funny stuff about Batfleck to tell you guys this week but he had Ed say the words 'lay the fuck down' as he was sporting that facial hair and playing a cop protecting kids. 

Ugghhhhhh Batfleck I owe you. You get a pass this week.

On Tuesday I finally saw To Kill a Priest. It's so freaking cool that he was in a movie about Polish history. And he made that around the time of The Abyss. How weird is this? On one hand there is a huge James Cameron blockbuster and on another there is a movie about something no one except Polish people know about. 

I actually did google search to find out how he ended up in that movie which I didn't find, but I did find a Polish article about him where they called him 'thinking women's sex symbol'. I think the RF of last 3 months contradicts the 'thinking' part of that statement. Also that article was written by a woman, it was from 3 years ago and it was so clear she was smitten by him. He met her in his house in Malibu and she witnessed him cutting down a tree. There was like an entire paragraph about that. Holy shit, I'd have written a novel about that.

But back to the movie...

Now, I could tell you about the story in it to teach you all something about my country. You know, like a responsible, mature person would. But I ain't those things so instead I'm gonna give you the rundown of the most memorable moments in this movie and in cursive I'm gonna share my exact thoughts during them:

Ed is holding a puppy. Oh my God it's so cute! The world is so beautiful and so pure!

People who resented Ed's character for his profession (he was part of the militia, essentially the people who kept the Polish people oppressed until 89') threw poison into the apartment and puppy ate it and died. Oh my God the world is so horrible! Why did it happen? There is no way a puppy would ever die next to him cause he is so wonderful and he would prevent all the puppy deaths in the world!

As he was escaping a dog jumped into Ed's character's car. At that point his character was seriously losing it. The dog's head was outside the car window and he kept pulling it up UNTIL IT ALMOST SUFFOCATED THE DOG and the dog was whimpering. He finally let the dog out. WHY WHY WHY IS THIS HAPPENING OH MY GOD THIS IS THE WORST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE OH MY GOD THIS POOR DOG OH NO THAT WAS SO TERRIBLE! How did they shoot this scene? Is the dog OK? IS THE DOG OK?!

He was shirtless. Yes, but the poor dog! I mean...the..poor...dog...

He walked shirtless into the bedroom. 

Then he put his wife's legs on his shoulders (on. his. shoulders.)... 

...and started fucking her.

...

....

......

........

...........

...what dog?

 You know, Gustav is chilling in the kitchen right now and I can actually FEEL him judging me.

So apparently for some reason Ed did the second movie with James Franco. It's called "In Dubious Battle" and that is gonna be released on VOD next weekend. With my luck Ed is gonna be in it for 5 minutes, but I'm still gonna see it.

8 months until actual new Ed movie. I will even suffer through Lawrence on the big screen. I just hope he has a big role in this. If I go see it and he is in there for 10 minutes then I fucking hope Aronofsky got herpes from her.

Oscar nominees pictureis hilarious as always. Viggo is seriously stoned. I cannot find Michael Shannon, was he not there? I was excited to see what he might wear.

Scarlett Johansson has said a lot of dumb stuff this week. First there was this. Obviously she is playing a person of another race comparing to the original film and instead of admitting to it and going with very easy "I play a robot and they have no race" excuse, she just lies. And then there is this. I just hate it when rich celebrities bitch about this sort of thing. You can hire people to help you, woman.

Kick Asswants you to believe he is OK with not being Oscar nominated for Trashy Animals. Sure. He is as believable as if I claimed I was sane and not horny.

George Clooney and his wife are expecting twins. But that's not the biggest baby story this week. The biggest baby story is that the lucky Rosie has been blessed with the seed of Jason Statham. What the hell is this line in this gossip rag news about the age difference not being great? Hell, it's only 20 years! Also I need Jason to do Spy sequel asap.

That Vogue stuck the only not super skinny model in black shorts is hardly surprising because that whole model culture is still gross but the ridiculous photoshop is the thing of such astounding unprofessionalism it needs to be seen to be believed.

Kristen Stewart hosted SNL last weekend and apparently did very well. I'm glad, she is very talented and she seems like a cool person. It's not fair she is getting all the hate while this hick Lawrence gets almost none of it.

Yet it is Melissa McCarthy who totally stole the show with her parody of Trump's press secretary dude. I just love it when Melissa is in her angry mode. I still don't understand why they had her in such a subdued role in Ghosbusters. That is such a waste.

And finally I'm sure as you guys are reading this and it is so clear that I'm falling deeper into a hole of lonely, pervy madness you are thinking (hopefully) 'shall we do something?". Don't be alarmed. I could be worse. Exhibit - Johnny 9 Digits Went Broke Deppwants to buy sixth house. Why you may ask? Well, dear readers, Johnny already has 5 but he needs 6th because he wants to connect them all via a system of tunnels. He needs his own fucking Hogwarts. Even to me that is crazy. So it's definitely crazy.

Mark didn't love Moonlight as much as most seem to

Brittani writes about Christine. I'm still wondering about whether I should review it because RF makes you guys laugh but my frighteningly personal thoughts about this movie would depress you all so bad

Flixchatter reviews Rings which seems like a total crapfest

Alex chooses the best 'rotten' movies of 2016

Keith reviews Florence Foster Jenkins

Dan writes about insanely entertaining Hell or High Water 

Mariah shares epic Best and Worst of 2016 post

Dell reviews lovely Hidden Figures

Allie shares her BAFTA predictions and wishes

MettelRay reviews The Accountant

and m.brown is making us wait for his Handmaiden review and reviews Deepwater Horizon instead.

RELATED POSTS:

Oh my God you guys. I was almost killed by imdb trivia page and google search this week.

I was checking out trivia on some of the Ed's movies I have left to watch. I was reading about Swing Shift and this is what I read "In an early scene, Ed Harris, clad only in a towel wrapped around his waist, plops down on a chair. For a split second his genitals are fully exposed. This scene somehow evaded the censors (and in a PG rated film) and in the first video release, the scene is intact. The scene has now disappeared from later releases."

After I regained consciousness I did the only thing I could do.

A google image search.

..

.... 

.....

......

I love movies so damn much.

God bless that pervy person who took frame by frame screenshots.

and God bless you blind 80's MPAA because that is one MASSIVE thing to overlook.

so anyways...

(no, hold on I still need to compose myself)

OK, OK I can do this.

No, no I can't stop thinking about this!

Because oh my God imagine back in the 80's you're sitting there in the cinema during Goldie Hawn's comedy and this happens. This is like Fight Club only better. And bigger. 

I'm fine. I'm so fine. It's all good.

(also we all know what I'm watching tonight, don't we?)

I saw Code Name: Emerald. I didn't live tweet that one because it was actually engrossing enough for me to be super interested in the plot. Also my only thought was 'my God, he is so beautiful' and that's just a fact so it's redundant to tweet. 

Also this is the second movie in which he was in Nazi uniform looking so handsome I almost wept. I'm so going to hell because of this one and Enemy at the Gates. 

And the perving during Third Miracle where he was a priest ensured that I will be in the worst circle where Lucifer shits on me or something. In my defense he has some serious moves in this too - he makes out with Anne Heche and does this thing where he grabs her thigh and wraps her leg around his back.

....

I need to calm the fuck down. At least long enough to bring you guys new Battfleck, Gibson and Hiddles news. That's right, we had a truly golden week of rumors, news and ridiculous tweets.

On Sunday I rewatched History of Violence. I just...don't understand so much about this movie. How did William Hurt get nominated for an Oscar? How did Ed only had 10 minutes of screen time? How dared they to mess up half of his gorgeous face (OK it was justified by the story but still that is just so wrong!)? How did people around him in this movie didn't pass out when he was wearying the hell out of that suit?

I also saw Under Fire. Ed was in it for like 10 minutes but he was the best thing about the movie. He played a mercenary. He had a gun. Oh my sweet Jesus.

James Franco's new movie In Dubious Battle premiered today. Ed is in it.

 According to RT it's trash but Ed steals the show. He is only in it for few minutes so I'm not gonna waste my weekly Friday drinking and viewing evening of fun on this, it's gonna have to wait for a worse day. 

Also this happened ---> 

It has dawned on me as I took the annual day off after Oscars today that it's fucking February. My sole New Year's Resolution was to be less of a mess and it is 17th February and It's worse than ever. What is worse is that my pride and joy of this 'website' my end of the year epic list's draft is an embarrassment. You know the one, the one with about 70 categories? The draft's state today is just The Handmaiden as the win in 60% of categories and a big ass gif of Ed Harris in Westworld captioned 'so hot my panties flew off to the moon'. Help me, I'm dumb and unorganized.

I saw that dick trivia on Monday and that's when my brain died therefore all the other stuff that happened this week I was reading while being even dumber than usual (I prove weekly in these posts that it is in fact possible to become far more stupid in just a matter of days). But even at height of my abilities everything that happened since Monday would be too insane to process.

First Hiddles tweeted this. Is he OK? Did someone kick him in a vagina? This is more pathetic than me getting wasted while rewatching The Rock on Valentine's Day. He is a celebrity and his pathetic tweets reach far more people than my pathetic tweets, therefore he does more damage to the general image of the human race than I do.

Then Harrisonwas in the news and that was surreal. I just cannot believe so many things about this whole situation - Calista letting him out of the house on Valentine's Day of all days, him confusing the lanes and him actually saying the words: Was that airliner meant to be underneath me? It's hysterical. People are probably telling Calista to take away his keys and give him a toy plane instead.

And then there was news about Robert Downey Jr.'s next film. I don't even know what to say here.

Last week in RF there was a moratorium on any Batfleck news (because all of them are bad lately) on occasion of me yet again rewatching Gone Baby Gone as a thank you to Ben for giving me this:

(a pause for me to 1. enjoy those gifs which I made 2. wipe the drool off my desk 3 change my underwear 4. sacrifice a goat so that I can somehow get with this)

(hold on, I looked at the third gif again I need to repeat steps 2-4)

During this time the rumors started building up and now we have the websites everywhere reporting that Ben doesn't want to be Batman anymore. It's the case of a snowball creating media 'news' avalanche again but in this case that snowball actually came from separate people in WB. Also it does make sense. The person who was hurt by their involvement with DCEU the most was J-boo and who knows if his career ever recovers (he is slowly recovering from the lesbian haircut so at least this is something I can be thankful for) but Ben is right after him. While Ben was good in the role and from what I recall he didn't get that bad reviews for it, the hatred for the movie (which comparing to Suicide Squad was nowhere near being a mess) created the kind of climate in which it was OK or even popular to laugh at Ben.  So it's only natural he wants out (especially now that Jennifer Garner is apparently divorcing him). The thing is if he does, it could probably cause the shutdown of the violent dumpster fire that is DCEU and end all of our suffering in witnessing that relentless shitshow of drama. 

That was my impression when I read all the rumors. But then Thursday's news came...

Mel Gibsonis'familiarizing himself with the material' and is in talks to direct Suicide Squad sequel. 

I just....where are we? What the hell is going on?

Every single time the radio station played 30 Seconds to Mars yesterday and today in my office I burst out laughing because I was imagining Gibson yelling at Leto in his Joker make up "I deserve to be blown first, Sugar Tits!"

But this is yet another thing that shows hypocrisy and I hate hypocrisy - we have Gibson getting the "we don't care what you did, you make profitable movies" treatment and getting a pass. Gibson is abusive towards women. No one denies that. There's also alcoholism and antisemitism but as a woman his treatment of women is what really bothers me. We have Hollywood awarding Polanski the highest honors, we have people praise Meryl Streep while turning the blind eye to her applauding him and now we have the studios say, still, that you can be a horrible person but if you can make them money it's OK. This is not right in any profession. I think Gibson's involvement there would bring a good movie and probably tons of legendary set stories but this is not right.  

And again it goes back to the Academy choosing to nominate his film. There's a point where you cannot be an influential awards body and a studio and say 'let's separate the work from person' and I think that point is violence and abuse. Stop giving these people praise and opportunities to make money. It's enabling them. If a human being is being beaten up or abused you don't have the right to excuse it with 'but the person who did that made amazing art'. Art is not more important than human being's dignity, just get the fuck outta here with this reasoning.

All of that said I am sure 'familiarizing himself with material' is Gibson asking Affleck about his experiences. I imagine Affleck is sobbing hysterically and tells Gibson to get in there and avenge him while they are both in the basement of a church where Affleck has his AA meetings. It must be like a scene from Face/Off complete with white doves flying in slow mo in the background. 

And there is no way WB people would fuck with Mel on this. Ayer is a pussy so they walked all over him, Affleck is exhausted so when they tried to mess with him he bailed but I don't think anyone in WB has the balls to go against Mad Mel. He would drown them in that jacuzzi.

Scarlett Johansson has said some really stupid stuff last week but she topped herself this week. Yes, Scarlett if you are a weak and think if a person needs to 'work' on something it's not natural while you are about to be divorced for second time before you are forty then the marriage is not in your nature. But don't tell other people it's not natural.

But on the subject of white male being able to do whatever you want - hey, why is Scarlett getting hit with whitewashing accusations when there is a movie starring Matt Damon being released right now where he saves Chinese people from dragon or something?

Here's Robert Pattinson cosplaying as one of the nihilists from The Big Lebowski.

Carlos Santana has said truth about Beyonce and then he back paddled after her ridiculous fans went after him. Gee, what  a tragedy that this overrated chick who uses pregnancy like fashion accessory didn't win awards for an album where she sings about her cheating husband whom she didn't even leave. I am so sad about this you guys. what an justice. And yes it should be about music. I don't care if Beyonce wraps herself in gold and pretends to be Virgin Mary, puts highlighter on her tits and shakes her ass on stage. 

Barely alive Rooney Mara and dead eyed Ryan Gosling star together in new Terrence Mallick's movie (first trailer here). Unless Fassbender, who is also in this, whips his dick out, I will slip into a coma if I ever dare to watch this.

Ryan Murphy has decided that the America has not been traumatized enough as it is and he is centering the 7th season of AHSon 2016 presidential election. This is actually quite inspired. I wonder what he suggests is the source of the awfulness of Trump. My God, what a total hick. For a President of any country to rant for 77 minutes and spew lies would be undignified, let alone the President of USA. What he does in the office is one thing but the lack of total class is just truly embarrassing to watch.

And here is the first trailer for Feud.

Caught up with Margot Robbie SNL sketches. This one slayed me. Also Melissa McCarthy again killed it in the newest episode. McKinnon was just brilliant as Conway in Fatal Attraction sketch.

and finally, something that will make you happy - we are getting a short Love Actually cast reunion!

Brittani reviews Code Unknown

Alex writes about Best Actor Oscar nominees

MettelRay reviews Sing Street 

Keith reviews The Edge of Seventeen 

Another brave piece on overrated La La Land on OnTheScreenReviews

Flixchatter and Mark review Nocturnal Animals

and finally m.brown reviews The Handmaiden

RELATED POSTS:

 First of all I did not murder Courtney for her use of the word "once"here but if I did I'm pretty sure that would be acceptable.

Second of all after last week's RF five separate women with what is clearly a great taste in men were outraged and sad I have not shared the much discussed screenshots of Ed Harris's everything in the post. You guys. Come on. The one standard I have here is not to *actually* share any dick pics. 

However...

I can link them. 

Also don't that one comment there say the truth.

I probably shouldn't have done that in the beginning of this post, right? On the upside you are all as dumb as me now since your brains just exploded.

 Last week I was lured to Nathaniel's website and I listened to this podcast where Ed was mentioned (because if he is mentioned, I will check it out) that pointed me towards Places in the Heart. I actually saw it years ago. I have never seen a film that could better be described as two movies in one. Well one of those was about Harris' character who played a cheating husband and his mistress was played by the luckiest woman in the world, his wife Amy Madigan whom he met in 1981. She has been hitting that for 36 years, you guys. If that's not happiness, I don't know what is. 

No, but really. 36 years. If I had that for 36 hours I would DIE. Hell, I cannot imagine 36 seconds of staring into his eyes and not bursting into flames...of pure, true, insane, miraculous bliss.

There was this moment where he grabs SO MUCH CAKE and just shoves it into his wife's mouth and starts kissing her. I hate sweet things, I don't even have cake for my birthday, but I'd be willing to suffer for this.

Also there is this magical moment near the end where his wife forgives him and takes his hand and he does the one thing that stops my heart all together whenever he does this - starts crying.

It's just...so beautiful (as gifed above, by me).

I also saw the dick movie aka Swing Shift and of course my copy didn't have that glorious moment but maybe that's why I'm still alive. The film was lovely but so dumb. What woman would ever leave Ed for Kurt Russell? And she cheats on him while he is away at war! That whore!

Also the actress who got Oscar nomination for that movie played the Queen Bee in Ally McBeal episode. I instantly recognized her because I practically know that show by heart.

The man himself spoke of that Westworld finale twist again, with his usual charm.Yes, it would have been better if they told him. Even better if the casting for the younger version of the character wouldn't be so impossible. Oh, 30 years of nihilism causes the development of mighty swag and Godlike looks? Even for sci-fi that's just dumb.

Wonder Woman had test screening last week and the word is that it is the best DCEU movie yet (which is like saying your last diarrhea wasn't too explosive and you didn't paint the bathroom walls with shit this time) but also that it is a legitimately good movie. Of course even if Wonder Woman is indeed a good film it won't be enough because 5 months later Snyder is gonna fuck things up again. Who the hell wants to see another Flash? Who cares about Cyborg? What the fuck is Cyborg anyways? Also Hail Snydra just cannot make a good movie and that Comic Con footage with jokes! levity! White Stripes! was more desperate than Ben Affleck is for the sweet mercy of death.

If Wonder Woman truly is good then WB has one job for the next 3 months - don't fuck it up. But I think they just cannot help themselves. To them a test screening with 'well, I'd changed this and this' opinions of random people is like trivia page about a movie with Ed Harris' dick in it to me. They can't let it go. It's all they can think about. They lie awake at night just obsessing over it. They just have to do something about it. And just like I had to google the screenshots, write about the glory of it, PM the pics to people on twitter and resist the urge to make it both my desktop AND screensaver I assume WB just has to get in there, cut that movie to pieces and put as much of Katy Perry, Gaga, Beyonce and whatever the fuck passes for girl power music these days on the soundtrack as they possibly can.

[Single Ladies playing the background]

I finally saw that Logan trailer everyone kept saying was so awesome and it really was so awesome. That thing should come with some sort of warning because ever since I saw it on Friday I was unable to stop listening to Johnny Cash's Hurt. Don't believe me? Look.

It would be so dope if they used it in Westworld trailer for season 2. You know Ed Harris standing there in the park 'and my empire of dirt' and a close up of him and "and you can have it all"...

I put way too much thought into this, don't I? They haven't even started shooting yet. By the time this show comes back I'll be locked up in asylum adorning walls with paintings of him made with my own blood and drool. Or I'll be what's the word? Dead.

But anyways...

69 reviews and 96% fresh rating on RT. R rated. Road movie. Western. Shirtless Hugh Jackman. This is gonna be so amazing.You guys. 

Not one. Not two. Not three. But four Angelina stories this week.

I just can't. This week alone Heroina apparently finished her fillings, botox and hellfire injections enough to go out. For some reason the judge who is handling her divorce still hasn't taken her poor children away and she has now taken them to Cambodia. This is some circus. Then it got even more cringe worthy as she was giving staged interview about her divorce. And then it got even worse as she ate tarantula. If that is not a warning for men out there not to cheat on their wives I don't know what is. Oh she is pretty? She will bring a brood of spoiled children upon you, she will then accuse you of being high and driving off like a mad man on airport's fuel truck and then she will eat spiders on TV. It's like a fucking real life version of Margot's Librarian sketch on SNL.

 Rumor has it Brad has made a list of all the sick stuff Angelina did and he had his lawyer read it to her lawyer. Just spill it, Brad. 

Still Skeletina has two movies she wants to do. I predict none of those will happen just like that Cleopatra thing. 

Viral video for Alien: Covenant dropped. Haven't seen it yet but I heard it's not very good.

Daniel Craigis now the longest serving 007. Given his comments during last one's promo tour I'm sure he is just delighted about this.  

Seeing what Kate Winsletgets to do in her job makes me hate mine so much more.  

I haven't seen Hacksaw Ridge yet so the clip from it in Honest Trailersbrilliant breakdown of Best Picture nominees made me laugh for several minutes.

Scarlett Johansson is gonna host SNL while promoting Ghost in the Shell. I'm not sure doing a comedy show while you are in a movie facing whitewashing accusations is the best thing.

John Wick 2 was not as good as the first one. It was still fun and Keanu is an absolute treasure but since that horrible thing happened in the first part the stakes were much higher. Every single time he killed someone in the first part I was like yeah! for the puppy! Here I was like why did this lady kill herself? oh whatever.

Big Little Lies premiere was pretty good. It doesn't help anything that like a moron I had to read on Wikipedia who got killed. Kidman and Witherspoon (whom I don't really like because of her insistence on buying the rights to the books and turning things around to fit her whims) were very good. Also I really like Vallee's style. If only someone else played Camille in his next year's Sharp Objects and not Basic Blandness Amy Adams. Ughhhh.

Here's new promo poster for American Gods which is going to premiere at April 30th.

Keanu Reevesappears to be in more need of a relationship with a member of opposite sex than I am. 

...

Nope, no one is in more need of that than me but he is a close second.

I took the annual day off after Oscars but I just so don't wanna watch the ceremony. Not only La La Land is gonna be such an undeserving winner (did those fools even watch Hell or High Water?) but the constant fawning of awards bodies over it has turned this entire season into such a bore. I actually still haven't seen the entire Golden Globes ceremony. It's the Oscars and I should watch it but I just. don't. wanna. If I will, I will hope Gibson has some sort of flashback to that cop pulling him over and starts screaming about Jews or jacuzzis again.

I understand wanting a private life but not showing up to Oscars to support your husband is just weird to me. 

Apparently Johnny 9 Digitsis intoDaisy Ridley. Run, girl. Run.

New week, new embarassingHiddles' news. I love Tom Hollander so this is horrific.

The one person I am rooting for at the Oscars, the always wonderful Michael Shannon has shared some thoughts about sex. So that's a good way to cap this RF.

Brittani reviews A Cure for Wellness 

Mark didn't quite love La La Land 

Jordan reviews Trainspotting 2

Kevin breaks down Oscar nominees for Film Editing 

Go wish MettelRayhappy birthday!

Allie and m.brown review Fifty Shades Shittier

Courtney lists her top 10 movies of 2016

Alex breaks down sound mixer Kevin O'Connell 21 Oscar nominations

Flixchatter reviews Fences

Keith reviews John Wick 2

and finally m.brown is hosting his awesome blogathon again and you all need to participate! I already have most of my post done and I think I'll post it on Tuesday. Gonna be so epic you guys.

RELATED POSTS:

Three years ago my favorite blogger m.brown hosted this blogathon for the very first time and my entry for it was quite coherent and not completely inappropriate.

But that was then.

And this is now.

His guess that I will focus on four favorite Ed Harris movies was not that far off what I'm about to unleash upon you. But it did not feel right because it's not enough focus on him. There needs to be focus on him specifically, you guys. At all times.

I could do 4 favorite performances but that will be covered in the post I am working on, that I'm sure the entire cinematic blogosphere cannot wait for (*sarcasm sign* *self depreciation sign* *my life is garbage sign*). So what else to do?

I could choose 4 hottest characters played by him. But that's too hard. There are too many. He was in give or take 60 movies, of which I saw more than 40. There is not a single character of his that was not hot. Sure, he played a complete psychopath in Just Cause but I have no shame or sense of decency and his bare ass was in it. Also one of those characters that would inevitably be in top 4 is a priest. I live in overwhelmingly Catholic country and I just cannot be burned alive while Westworld is still to have more episodes with him in it.

So that's not the way to go.

But I could do what I am about to do - choose four favorite characters of mine that he played.

Honorable mentions: almost everyone he played not mentioned below

4. Gene Kranz, Apollo 13 (1995)

This is my favorite type of character to watch an actor play. Because this right here is the most difficult character to pull off - simply a good guy. And there are so many reasons why it's difficult - first of, there aren't many good guys out there. I may be cynical or just unlucky but there aren't. So the actor who plays a part like that has to make you feel that people this wonderful exist. And while the actor is doing this, playing a non-flashy part without big screaming scenes etc. he still has to disappear in the role. This is natural acting, this is where charisma kicks in and this is where you no longer think this is an actor you're watching. This is where you see a person. And he does this. This is a character we only see in one setting the entire time, yet the nobility and heroism of his actions is so great and so fierce he may as well be fighting on a battle field. And I do not think there is a scene that is more honest or disarmingly beautiful as his last moments in the movie. The mixture of joy, relief and pride was never portrayed more stunningly than it was here.

3. Seth Frank, Absolute Power (1997)


There is a scene in Absolute Power that is so bewildering I actually had to pause the movie, let out a sigh and shake my head. In it Ed Harris as a noble, good guy cop walks Laura Linney's character to her apartment. She was just shot at and is shaken up. He gives her his number, tells her to call him if there's anything she needs and in that scene he mentions he lives alone about four times. And Laura Linney does not ask him to stay over. What. The. Fuck. Ed Harris' character here is one of the kindest and sweetest he has ever played. He played shy guys (Milk Money, Appaloosa), disarmingly lovely in their ignorance guys (Buffalo Soldiers) and hero cops (China Moon, Needful Things, Gone Baby Gone) in other films but here he is both the tough guy who will protect you and the sweet guy who is in the dark about a lot of things that happen around him. And his efforts to woo Linney's character are just so lovely to behold.

2. The Man in Black, Westworld (2016-)

While every single characterization in Westworld needs to fight its way through the fog of the writers constantly trying to wrap the story in twists (just stop, you lunatics), Ed Harris is probably the only person on Earth who could - and every time he had to in his career he succeeded - make a thinly written character interesting. We don't know much about his character through most of season 1 but it's him so you can't take your eyes off the screen. The entirety of the show could just be him riding around on his horse and shooting robots and it would be the most entertaining thing on HBO since Al Swearengen delivered his monologues. Not only is his nihilistic, charismatic, intimidating and sexy as hell character so entertaining (completed with these glorious expressions) but it's also so very clear Harris loves playing him. The glee just comes through in every single scene he has. He is so unpredictable and insanely fun to watch that when he is not on the screen you just miss him so much.

1. General Frank Hummel, The Rock (1996)

Let's set aside the fact that he is an actor of such incredible gifts he managed to create Oscar caliber performance in Michael Bay's movie. Or that this is one of the most interesting and memorable 'villains' in an action movie ever. Or those legendary outtakes. Or that ALL I WANT IN LIFE is for this movie to be real and for me to be his hostage on Alcatraz. Yes, I know he doesn't interact with hostages that much but if he did I'd totally pull Harley Quinn and lick the steel bars to attract his attention. No, I do not think about this situation a lot and I do not come up with elaborate scenarios of how our naked interactions would go. Except that I do. A lot.

The Rock is such a fun film and this character actually blends the three mentioned above. Heroic? Noble? Tough? Intimidating? It's all here. And from the very first moment when he goes to visit his wife's grave through his relentless efforts not to lose lives during the situation that unfolds the character is just so complex and so nuanced he alone makes this movie so re-watchable. If someone asked me what character I consider to be the perfect guy this right here is the answer. And there's another pretty big factor to the movie rewatchability - God help me, this is the hottest he has ever looked on screen. Whenever I watch this movie (and I watch it A LOT), during this scene if my house was on fire I'd DIE because I'm not able to take my eyes off this man let alone move. How my house actually doesn't catch on fire from him being on the screen alone is a mystery to me.



So there you have it. And now go join m.brown's blogathon because he is clearly awesome and just gave me the excuse to inappropriately perv for the second time this week.

Day 5 and I still cannot believe it happened. I have been watching Oscars for 15 years and this is the funniest thing that happened since Travolta's "Adele Dazeem". I knew the second these guys started running around behind the producers of Blah Blah Land that something was up and I actually thought maybe they read it wrong but what transpired...oh, man. 

It was seriously surreal. Watching that wave of  "we didn't really win" going on on the stage with La La Land people and especially the stunned reactions of the audience was amazing. Charlize Theron was the best, first covering her mouth with her hand and then nodding when Moonlight guys got on stage. Shirley MacLaine was next to her just trying not to faint out of embarrassment for what her brother just participated in.

 I have almost pissed myself at Beatty's "I wasn't trying to be funny" line + him losing it on that stage. I saw that whole thing about 4 times in a row and it was after 6 AM here when it happened.

But what truly almost killed me was Dunaway's shocked "WHAT?!" which I caught after the ceremony when MTV posted that moment on twitter. It was like something straight out of Mommie Dearest.

Also what happened at rehearsals was apparently a mess too.  

Gosling in that shirt looked even more like a gigolo than he usually does but his reaction to the mix up (on the left) was absolutely fantastic.

Jeff Bridges'reaction.

Ray Liotta's reaction. 

and here's the rest:

Mistakes, tweeting, feuds, incompetence...whatever the reason I think we can all agree none of this would have happened if Ed Harris was presenting Best Picture. First of all he would have been up there alone without co-presenter because men wouldn't want to stand next to him (they would look awful in comparison) and women wouldn't either (because they would fear dying of excessive blushing). Second of all if he was up there and saw he has the wrong envelope he would just go "what is this bullshit?" looked at those clowns with envelopes in briefcases and the right envelope would just fly out of there and land in his hand. And then, upon feeling the might of his eyes on it, that card would read itself. 

It would read itself, you guys.

But anyways....

Denzel really doesn't care. He must have known the camera was on him as Affleck was talking about him but he continued with his resting bitch face. Amazing.

The ongoing Matt Damon harassment was so funny. My favorite bit was We Bought a Zoo clip and "Ben Affleck and guest" followed by Damon saying "I know what a guest is!". Hysterical stuff.

Kimmel was a fantastic host. I actually liked him more than Ellen and he deserves tons of credit for how he managed to put a humorous act on the stage as that catastrophe was happening. Warren, what did you do?!

The way Horowitz violently yanked that card out of Baetty's hand was so distasteful. My heart sank. Beatty is a legendary actor, 79 year old man and unlike Dunaway he didn't make the mistake and he actually tried to put a positive spin on this. He shouldn't be disrespected on Oscar stage when it wasn't his fault. They were handed the wrong envelope in an unprecedented situation. He was clearly confused and did what most would do - he chose to turn to his co-presenter who mistakenly assumed he was goofing around and she just set off that grenade. If there was one presenter on the stage I think whoever that would be they would immediately say they had the wrong card. 

Unlike Dunaway he walked over there and tried to explain. Seeing that card getting yanked out of his hand was really awful. I was laughing so hard during this whole situation but that really gave me pause. It was clear Horowitz was furious at Beatty. I gotta say the second I saw this moment I was glad those producers lost. That petty 'oh we lost anyways so yeah' dude too (whom by the way was giving a speech even though he knew they lost). I'm not sure where was this grace everyone talks about. That Horowitz told Moonlight people they won? If he didn't it was clear either Kimmel or Beatty were about to do that. He only did that because the other producer made that undignified comment and they were really coming off as sore losers.

Imagine if he yanked that card out of Faye's hand.

You know why that shocked me? Because I would never do that to anyone. Even in situation like that. I would never yank something out of someone's hand, especially a stranger, a respected person, on a live television when millions of people are watching. 

Gosling laughed it off.  Emma Stone went "oh my God...oh my God" as she realized what happened, giggled and then she run to front of the stage to rush Moonlight cast and crew there - that was lovely. That was the way to do it. I have higher respect for these people seeing how they had to work with these ill tempered producers.

This is the greatest thing that could have ever happened to this overrated movie. Look at this.

Slightly older Damien from the Omen next to Barry on the covers of magazines.

It is forever in history now and it is stealing the focus from Moonlight. Had LLL won it would get backlash. Had it lost like other nominees it would still have 6 Oscars but people would say it lost BP. Now people don't focus it lost BP. Honestly the amount of undeserved attention this movie got and shoveling sharpie goatee on a cover like this appalls me. Now people go poor La La Land. Yes, 6 undeserved Oscars and 'sharing' but really stealing spotlight from the movie that actually was voted to win BP.

Apparently Emma had a huge crush on Leo so her Oscar win was even more special because he handed it to her.

The Rockalmost took down the ceremony's producer. He's also talking about LLL's producer's grace but what does he know, these people photoshop Paul Walker onto the photos of sunsets. Also did you guys catch Samuel L. Jackson wiping the tear away as Moonlight won?

Amy Adams wasn't nominated so she skipped the red carpet. I can't with her constant campaigning, undeserved nominations and "you snubbed me, I am skipping the red carpet" vibes. Also that desperate 'oh, it's my tits!' outfit. Ugh, that woman.

Suicide Squad won an Oscar. You just can't make this shit up. They won for best make up which was arguably one of the least horrendous things about it, but still what an undeserved and ridiculous win. When that happened DCEU nerds were beside themselves laughing how 'we have an Oscar and Marvel lost one for special effects'. What we also have are three bad movies, a mess of a production on every movie other than Aquaman and Zack Snyder in charge of all of this, for fuck's sake.

I laughed so hard because J-boo broke his routine of climbing/hiding from the world/apparently cutting his hair with scissors because there is no other explanation for this hair that was going on since Suicide Squad premiered to attend the Oscar party, clearly encouraged by this movie being an Oscar winner now.

To join the memes in my style - Suicide Squad Oscars - 1. Ed Harris Oscars - 0.

Here's Michael Shannon trying to stop the feeling (my gif since no one else made it clearly I'm the only person on tumblr making gifs that truly matter):

I really liked that Timberlake performance in the beginning - it was so happy and everyone was having such a good time. 

and one more time, here's to Michael Shannon:

Before the ceremony and since last RF I did really badly with my movie watching. The only movie I saw in entirety was Coma which was Ed's feature film debut (in 1978). He was in it for about a minute and it was the best minute of the movie. Seriously. 

So I counted and it turns out since his debut there are 76 performances he gave. And yes, I will watch them all. I already saw 52. I decided to make 4 posts and write about his roles chronologically. I have 7 more films to watch before I can write the first one (20 performances between 1978 - 1992)...so it's definitely coming in March.

He is so gonna sue me and I'm gonna be on the news....

On the other hand my Best and Worst of 2016 list is still in extremely rough draft and the way it s going it's probably gonna be published in the summer.

I also saw Walker. Well, so far I saw half of it because in one scene he got down on his knees and went down on a woman and I blacked out and decided I need to finish it another time because if I continue I will inevitably die. But here's some tweets:

 Just....dear God.

So I will attempt to finish this tonight and also watch 80's Borderline with him and Charles Bronson. He has a gun in that. 

A very big gun. 

...no more vodka for me.

Big Little Lies' second episode was very good and featured fairly shocking scene between Kidman and Skarsgard. Witherspoon continues to be MVP. Her fight with Dern was so awesome.

New Alien: Covenant trailer dropped. It's seriously going to be a complete rehash of Alien with Aliens and Prometheus plot elements thrown in. Why do studios continue to throw reboots at us and call it sequels or prequels? And more importantly - why is Ridley Scott determined to ruin his own legacy? The idea for Alien prequel trilogy is great but so far his specific ideas are not well executed at all, there are no memorable characters and even creature design and creepiness factor is lacking. There are some rumors regarding the character of Elizabeth Show that are promising but that's only if the studio was smart enough to take some stuff out of test screenings (the entire plot of the movie leaked months ago). I'm not counting on that since they put the footage out of the last part of the movie with Alien chasing Daniels outside of the ship in the freaking trailer. The golden rule of a trailer for a horror movie is to never reveal the monster. Yeah, we all know what Alien looks like but the variations of it are always supposed to be a surprise since each installment had different one - the original one, the Queen, the born out of animal one, the human/Alien mix and the Deacon in Prometheus. And here not only did these idiots show the final form in the freaking trailer, they even showed it in the daylight. The marketing for this movie is seriously lacking. The trailers reveal way too much and unless the studio kept stuff from test screenings audience you can guess the plot of the entire movie out of both trailers.

 Very sad news on the Oscar day as the lovely Bill Paxton passed away at 61 years old. He always had such a lovely, warm presence in the movies. I rewatch Apollo 13 a lot and he was so good in that. It's always so sad when wonderful actors and from everything I read about him truly nice people pass away.

 The Big Bang Theory castare truly lovely people. And Mayim and Melissa really deserve those bigger paychecks - they both do such great work on the show. And I have soft spot for Melissa because with her glasses (I wear glasses for reading), dresses and ridiculously high voice some of my friends actually call me Bernadette because of similarities between us. There is so much irrational hatred going about that show. I haven't missed a single episode. I think it's a funny, warm and well acted series. These are astronomical sums these actors are earning but considering the show's success and how much the network makes of it it's well deserved 

J-boo is in talks to be in Tron 3. Wait, they're making Tron 3?!

Here's Angelina's new perfume commercial. Oh sorry, here she is.

I don't know how it happened that Joe Biden is associated with this mess. 

 This actually reminds me of one of the few movies with Ed I have left to watch where he plays the husband of Annette Bening. After his character dies she meets the guy who looks just like him. This is obviously sci-fi because that movie suggests two men like him exist. And one women got with both of them. I don't even have one and this bitch has two?

*write through the anger, bitterness and desperation, Tinkerbell*. 

Well anyways, this movie looks so sad. But it doesn't have family connotations between the characters (unless there is a twist he is a twin or something) like that Biden mess.

Ian McShanewent after Game of Thrones fans again. I so hope he comes to Comic Con and just tells them to go fuck themselves from the stage.

Garry, Carrie Fisher's dog, celebrated his birthday.

Hail Snyder shared some fun footage of Aquaman from Justice League. Please save DCEU shirtless Merman Momoa.

I bet it wasSean Penn.

Wood and the GoatManwill have Disney's "first exclusively gay moment". While I'm still wondering what the hell is 'exclusively gay moment' - I mean I can think of one in Brokeback Mountain but what does it mean for a Disney movie? - and while I think making a comic relief character gay may not be making a statement Disney thinks it is making here come the torches. 

"If I can’t sit through a movie with God or Jesus sitting by me then we have no business showing it.”. I'd love to know which movies are those where God or Jesus sit by us.

 And finally I really wanted to see shirtless Hugh JackmanLogan this week but the asinine distributor in my country decided it's a good idea to make a version with dubbing and unleash it upon movie goers. You know dubbing for a serious, violent, R rated in US movie. Because of this the subtitles showings are rare and I may need to wait a week until they change a schedule. I hate all of you who are gonna see it this week., it looks dope as hell.

Kevin, Dan and Jordan choose the best movies of 2016

Courtney, Keith and Brittani recap the Oscars

MettelRay chooses her favorite movie beards 

Allie reviews one of the most unintentionally hilarious movies ever - The Happening

Alex's special In Character post featuring 2016 Oscar acting nominees

Ruth recaps her viewing month. She loved Logan!

and finally last chance to participate in m.brown's AWESOME BLOGATHON!

RELATED POSTS:

...because when I suddenly find a blogathon that I can still participate in and it gives me an opportunity to write an unscheduled post about Ed Harris (you know, other than usual Friday praying to him while perving verbally posts) I'll do it.

KG's movie rants blog, which I just found via Dell has this blogathon going on and here are the rules:


Ed Harris has 4 Academy Award acting nominations so far in his 39 years long film career. That is a laughably small number of nominations and don't even get me started on the fact he has no Oscars. His nominations were for Apollo 13 in 1996 (lost to Kevin Spacey in Usual Suspects), Truman Show in 1999 (lost to James Coburn in Affliction), Pollock in 2000 (lost to Russell Crowe in Gladiator) and The Hours in 2003 (lost to Chris Cooper in Adaptation).

I'm not gonna sit here and talk about how he should have won with these people (cannot speak of Coburn because I haven't seen this movie) because there are bigger crimes the Academy committed here. Those performances were at least nominated. Ed Harris has not been nominated for an Academy Award for FOURTEEN YEARS now. And they had, during that time, omitted two of his incredible performances - in Gone Baby Gone and The Way Back. Hell, if William Hurt was nominated for History of Violence, how the hell Harris wasn't?!

But what is worse here is that, for me, they haven't even nominate the best performance he gave.


I'm already doing 1b of this blogathon's rules on my own as I am planning to write about all of Ed Harris' performances since 1978 and that will be 4 posts. With every week I'm getting closer and closer to having seen all of his films (the first post should be up in March). BUT even though I have about 20 movies of his left to watch and he continues to blow my mind in most of the new to me ones I see (I saw Paris Trout this week and just....wow) there is one performance among all of his brilliant performances that I can confidently call the best one. And that is his work as Charlie Dick in 1985 film Sweet Dreams.


Academy members have seen this movie - Jessica Lange was Oscar nominated for her role of Patsy Cline. So there is no excuse for not nominating Harris.

While Lange was great and there were times when they go head to head in terms of the quality of a performance, Harris just kills in so many scenes. The film follows Patsy's career as a singer but in equally large part it shows her turbulent marriage to Charlie. Harris gets to do so many things here - and most impressively he blends the two qualities he pulls off effortlessly - charming and intense. There are so many performances he gave where he only has the opportunity to be either/or with these things, and so many where he only fleetingly gets to mix one with the other, but here they are balanced out. His Charlie goes from villain to a victim, from intimidating to vulnerable from scene to scene and the entire movie you know you should condemn him, but you just can't.


The film begins when Charlie sees Patsy for the very first time and falls in love with her and we see a series of scenes where they are so in love and so happy. But there is darkness in this man - when Patsy is pregnant the first major argument breaks out and she slaps him. He slaps her back. She does so too. And then he hits her so hard she falls on the floor. Immediately there is such remorse on his face, but it's too late. You can't turn back time.


They are a typical toxic marriage - hurting each other but being like magnets, unable to separate. The film throws at us many scenes of abuse contrasted with moments so sweet that if any lesser actor played that part we would say no man can be this extreme and go from someone so low they would hit a pregnant woman to someone who literally cannot bear a thought of a world without her. There is a moment, when after her car accident Patsy is in the hospital and her mother walks into the room in their house and finds Charlie on the floor, sitting like a child with his face close to record player, listening to his wife's voice while she is singing.


The film reveals, near the end, the source of Charlie's demons in that when he was a small child he witnessed his father's suicide. It's such an incredible moment where the camera focuses just on Harris' face as he hauntingly reveals his story to fellow prisoner. He is at the same time seemingly detached but also in so much pain. The strong surface hiding anger, frustration and inability to change and stop hurting those he loves. And we saw that frustration and that pain hiding in plain sight, him revealing his character's suffering ever so subtly so many times during his incredible career, like in the scene where he is about to start his epic rant inn Glengarry Glen Ross or the many short and subtle moments in his two show stealing scenes in The Hours. But we never saw it like this. I don't think anyone out there does this better than he can.


(Incidentally when he was snubbed in 1985, Ed's wife Amy was nominated so at least he attended the ceremony)

It just always amuses me, the Oscars. You look back at those things happening like performances like this one not being nominated or the one I always cite as the most incomprehensible thing the Academy has done - awarding Tommy Lee Jones in The Fugitive over Ralph Fiennes in Schindler's List and it's just so outlandish. That every year, we as the movie goers, fans, bloggers KNOW exactly how many incredible people are robbed - in case of Harris for decades - yet for some reason Oscars still hold significance. I'm not sure if my admiration for this performance is even 1/000000000 as nice as the Oscar but at least now there is a whole blog post devoted to it.

If you haven't seen the movie yet, please do. You won't regret it.

Hoisted by my own envious tweeting:

 Today's RF is just such filth. It begins with filth and it ends with so much filth you are gonna need to take a shower. I cannot function properly after eyefucking Hugh Jackman for 2 hours today. I was imagining such scenarios during this damn movie it's a miracle I was able to follow the plot at all. I would take a shower because I'm drenched in sweat but I would collapse halfway to the bathroom.

So last week I talked a little about this movie that suggests there are two guys who look like Ed and one woman gets with both of them and how it is pure sci-fi. I was thinking about that this week, you know as one does in the office on a Tuesday, and it occurred to me that Ed is actually the king of science fiction. This is off the top of my head:

he is a super sweet teacher, has a sweet kid, a house and he doesn't care that a woman is a hooker and is probably crawling with herpes (Milk Money)

he is a super sweet cop, is protective and will drop numerous hints for you so that when you ask him to spend the night it's his fault and not yours because you are horny (Laura Linney didn't ask him to stay over, the only thing faster than me asking him that would be my underwear falling off) (Absolute Power)

 he is a super sweet cop who will cover up you murdering your husband because he is gonna do anything for you even when it is slowly turning out that you are shady as fuck (China Moon)

 he is a super sweet cop (intense edition) who marries a hooker because he loves her and he protects kids. Yeah he kinda helps abduct one but it's all good. Oh and good God, the beard (Gone Baby Gone)

he is a noble and intense general and he takes you hostage on Alcatraz. That's it. That's all that needs to happen. I would take it from there, General. Oh, do you need me....to help you...with that missile? (The Rock)

he is a super sweet cowboy and doesn't care that you banged some dudes you just met and made a pass at his friend (Appaloosa)

he is a super sweet whoever he was in this movie (doesn't matter, he wore suits and it's all that matters) and doesn't care that you lose his child after watching him for 5 minutes because you are an incompetent moron, no, he is still gonna propose to you in the best way ever (Stepmom).

Are you fucking kidding me with this?

(of course there are exceptions to this rule where what happens is not too good to be true like above but stupid as hell like Westworld suggesting any woman married to this would off herself. If I had him I'd straddle him like that ghost girl in Shutter)

I saw the ultimate example of the above rule last Saturday. I was supposed to watch Borderline on Friday and finish Walker but my new diet of almost just kale and powdered algae (I bought a leather skirt and I can put it on but when I sit in it it threatens to rip apart. But it's too awesomely slutty to return so nope, diet it is) makes it so that after a drink I kinda pass out so I didn't do that on Friday. On Saturday I decided to go another way and really treat myself because 90s Ed is the best one I saw something else. I have only 3 movies out of this decade left to watch. Well one of those was Running Mates. I had an insanely shitty quality of it which was ripped of VHS and had Polish speaker over the original audio (why, God, why?) so I'm thinking of buying it on Amazon, but I never bought anything there...still that would be worth owning on DVD for the way he looks in that alone, my God.

Scenario - you are a divorcee who looks the least feminine a woman can look (I'm not counting other species like Dunham or Schumer) which is to say Diane Keaton plays her. When you were in high school you had a crush on this dude who never noticed you. Can you guess who he turns into when he is grown up?

Ding ding ding. 

and get this - she bumps into him in the restaurant, crashes a tray like a fool and he...falls in love. And he is rich. And a senator. And he wants to be president. And he shows up to her house with food to cook for her. And he brings her a glass of wine. And he proposes. Then during the course of the movie it turns out he is the most understanding dude ever.

 Also there is a scene where he ties a bow tie and I legit almost died.

 Mid week I saw Paris Trout which was a really good movie. Ed Harris played a lawyer (yeah cause lawyers look like this. I meet lawyers every day, spoiler alert - they don't look like this. It's the opposite of this.. My. life. is. garbage.) and most importantly a southern gentleman. The drawl. Good God, the drawl. There is this amazing scene he has with main female character right before they sleep together where he steals movie. He admits something shameful and he instantly breaks down in tears with such remorse. Amazing. Also please stop killing his characters in movies, I can barely handle watching this.

This week Ed was nominated for his work in a play Buried Child. It's so nice because award bodies that have TV categories have embarrassed themselves so bad this year when they ignored his work in Westworld.

The last two movies Ed did he was in them for about 10 minutes - and that's combined - from what I heard (In Dubious Battle + Rules Don't Apply) and are not very good. I still need to see those. But clearly by then I have not suffered enough. Because the trailer for this thing dropped. I knew he was in this but the piece of critical info eluded me before. Gerard Butler plays the lead. And Gerard Butler being in a movie cast list these days is like when at one point during the month I get cramps.

It means something horrible is coming.

And if you thought the trailer was awful, this is the plot -  "As a man heads into space to prevent climate-controlling satellites from creating a storm of epic proportions, his brother discovers a plot to assassinate the president”

And here are the mandatory tweets including the mandatory gif of him I made:

 Man, after seeing the trailer and even worse reading what Geostorm is about I wish Marvel just made him an offer. Like there is no need for him to do movies this bad every once in a while to get money, he could be in Marvel movie instead. I watch everything he is in and Marvel movies are at least watchable which I'm not sure Geostorm is gonna be. I'll make it through it, sure, that's what the liquor is for, but for fuck's sake to see Ed in a movie this dumb or in a role that is 5 minutes of screen time is just so awful. The man should lead not follow, he should be in movies worthy of him and he should be in them plenty. Look at Jeff Goldblum getting that Marvel money Ed. Just, get it too, please.

There must be something in Marvel universe that is suitable for him. Like some sort of king. Or a a god. Or a creature that when it appears before women they just climax simply from looking at him.

I just...don't understand. Why is this photoshoot a big deal. No, no - why is this chick a big deal? She is not that talented or that attractive. What, is it because she is a feminist and reads books? A literate actress, what a miracle! Why is her showing that a big deal? If she wants to show it, let her. I see Beyonce's insane fans went after Watson because she once was mildly critical of Beyonce grinding like a hooker in a video or something. How is Watson posing in a photoshoot same as Beyonce swinging her ass so much it may fall off in her videos? No, don't answer, I don't care.

But still, the airhead award of the week (almost) goes to Stewart. Ah, and she was doing so well lately. There it goes.

It's not the young ones who are the worst this week. I am genuinely embarrassed for Marion Cotillardacting like this.

It's like in the week of International Women's Day they swore to embarrass us all.

Not one. Not two. But three embarrassing things Tom Hiddleston did this week.

 Ridley Scottsaid he wants to do six Alien prequel movies. I am a huge fan of the franchise so seeing the director of the original masterpiece lose his shit completely and spreading what is not innovative, not interesting and not original story into so many films without actually proposing anything new or thought provoking is saddening. Ridley thinking that the studio will be up for that after Covenant is released is hilarious. The film arrives in 2 months, the disappointing plot of it is online and has been for a long time and the marketing campaign is not only boring but it's also spoiling the movie. I am losing interest in seeing it, to be honest.

 Here's Guy Pearce coming up with about 5 different ways to use the word 'rehash' without actually saying the word 'rehash'. Ridley should send hookers holding baskets of cocaine to both Pearce and Fassbender because they both spin his ideas into absolute gold to the press and the interviews with these guys have much more finesse than Covenant indubitably will.

Instead of flying everyone from Westworld cast an crew to whatever desert they are shooting it on to start making season 2 already HBO is doing this. Here is the teaser for season 7 of Game of Thrones without actual footage from the show. The teaser is kinda cool but them using Catelyn's dying scream considering what was done to the character afterwards is just disgusting.

Couple of weeks ago I sent over some squirrels to traumatize m.brown enough to get him to watch Westworld and he caught them ;( I don't know what to send now.

Thor: Ragnarok first images were released. I think they look great. Taika is clearly going on in for the crazy, colorful style. The only two complaints I have is that this was the one movie that could have been really serious entry in Marvel universe and it seems they are going more into Guardians of the Galaxy direction. Also not only is Valkyrie butchered because of the insane desire to always appeal to SJW crowd but she looks so generic. And going by Tessa's mediocre acting in Westworld she won't save the character. But other than this between Goldblum looking insane, Blanchett looking like a goddess and the color palette, I'm psyched.

Brie Larsonthrew even more shade Casey Affleck's way. I think it's nice she still hugged him on stage which was gracious of her. If he went for the hug and she would say no that would not be cool especially since no one knows if Affleck even did those things he was accused of.

 Poor Prince William and Duchess of Cambridgeare being dispatched to visit Poland as "Brexit ambassadors" After what my country's government has been doing lately I'll be surprised if they don't kick us out of EU let alone do stuff to make us stay (I am only partially kidding). I hope they bring the kids but on the other hand I do not want my role model having to meet with our prime minister or president. Unless he disses them even harder than he dissed Trudeau.

 Jessica Chastain was actually just here to promote her movie and she marched along with Polish women on International Women's Day. Don't be fooled by the occasion, we have those marches going on all the time. Women are out there on the streets marching every week or so because it's just horrible here. At that point - not that anyone is volunteering to have a kid with me - I'd be against having a child solely because I think in this country pregnancy is 50/50 death sentence with what is going with medical care, abortion laws and basically everything. Sometimes I handle cases of things going wrong during birth and I really don't think I'd ever risk something like this.

Patricia Clarksonis going to play the role of the mother in Sharp Objects. And here is the girl who will play Amma. Both great casting choices. But Adams is playing the lead and having seen lots of her roles if she actually pulls this off I'm gonna be amazed. She has absolutely no charisma and almost no range required here.

The most shocking thing that happened this week was the fact that new show from Marvel - Iron Fist - is actually getting bad reviews. What on Earth will DCEU fans say now when their favorite 'critics are paid off to like Marvel's stuff' excuse just died on its ass?

New Wonder Woman trailer drops tomorrow.

 I really am not sure what Samuel L. Jackson is getting at here. That if someone lived through something they will be better at portraying it? Well then that's not acting, that's just re-enacting. Actors act, they pretend. Personal experiences may help them but it's not right to say we should cast this group of people over this group of people because they lived through something. Also shouldn't he be glad black actors are finally getting high profile roles, regardless of their nationality? It's not like Jackson ain't getting hired. Come on.

John Goodmanhad so much fun when receiving his star on the walk of fame.

Feud - the first episode was simply terrific. I love What Ever Happened to Baby Jane so seeing behind the scenes of it was so much fun. And so far Sarandon is just stealing the show from everyone.

So apparently Naomi Watts and Liam Neesonmay be dating. 

More importantly there is this piece of info.   

And before you pervs start tweeting me here it is. When he is running. 

and here is Ricky Gervais' laughter replacing studio audience's laughter in The Big Bang Theory clip.

And now let's get to the situation I referred to in this RF's title...

I'm sure while you are reading my RFs you think - other than "oh my God we need to send for help" - "Sati is such a faithful fan of Ed Harris. It's so admirable how she only fangirls about him". And that is true - I always fangirl about only one actor at a time because as you can see from extent of it, fangirling over more than 1 would probably kill me.

Dear readers, I've just seen Logan. 

And I've almost just been killed. 

No, no. I think I actually did die. And this is coming to you from Beyond.

I am such a bad, bad fangirl.

No, but seriously, oh Jesus Christ. I'm gonna review the film because the film - other than some of the CGI and the score which I found jarring - was fantastic. I'm not actually that much into Hugh - I do find him attractive after all I do have working eyes, but I never had an actual reaction to him. Today in the cinema at one point, I shit you not, I swear to God, I stopped breathing.

By now the reviewers told you already that the film is great but they failed to mention it's PORN. Apparently these elements combined - grey in the hair, beard, suit or tanktop, throwing 'fuck' all the time, protecting a child, tearing bad guys apart, AT LEAST THREE RANDOM SCENES WHERE HE IS SLEEPING AND ALL YOU COULD HEAR IS HIS BREATHING FOR WHAT FELT LIKE ETERNITY - results in me having a pretty fucking strong reaction to Hugh Jackman.

I'm not sure people understand when I say I stopped breathing. I did legit stopped breathing. And then I choked on my own drool.

I don't even know how I found my way back home from cinema. Or how I'm still alive. Or how to you know...go on living.

I actually have Eddie the Eagle loaded in another bookmark. And if I push play I am falling through a hole...into the tunnel...that ends with me having a heart attack, probably.

I finally get my shit together enough to spellcheck this post and I go to my gossip website and this is there. I can't. As God is my witness, I can't.

MettelRay and Brittani also loved Logan 

Ruth shares Five for Fifth for March

Myerla lists best performances of 2016

m.brown has no time for Westworld but he not only watches but also reviews that ridiculous Jennifer Lawrence mop movie

Dell highlights the work of great Laurence Fishburne

OnTheScreenReviews lists three movies based on true crimes

RELATED POSTS:

(spoilers!!!)

When few seconds into Logan I saw the character I've only seen in toned down, PG-13 scenes tear people apart in violent and bloody fashion, I knew I was in for something refreshing. When I was reminded of Fury Road during the sequence where Logan is trying to drive through the fence, I knew I was in for something great. But when during one sequence while I still haven't composed myself after I cried I suddenly started laughing, I knew I was witnessing something really special.

Let's just get it out of the way - Logan is simply an exceptionally well made film which stands alone and leaves the other flicks in the genre in the rear view mirror. It's a great, great movie that is also the most wonderful superhero movie out there. But let's not close it in the boundaries of CBM genre. It deserves so much more than that.
Yes, we all know I loved The Dark Knight Rises and frankly it's embarrassing to admit considering how that movie is received, not so much by critics but by fans. But I have to be objective here - nothing in The Dark Knight Rises comes close to the performances in Logan. And nothing in the The Dark Knight Rises had the benefit of 17 years of a relationship between the character and the audience like this film does. And don't talk to me about The Dark Knight. Take Ledger out and you're left with Bale's TB Batman, the sonar, embarrassing Two Face make up and my favorite - luckily reformed black convict who tosses that detonator out the window. It's still a very good movie but If that is what is considered to be the best CBM movie out there then the state of affairs isn't the best.

And it really isn't. Movies based on comic books or graphic novels are everywhere these days - on one hand we have DCEU trying to do something different and failing spectacularly. On another we have Marvel, a studio which found their winning formula years ago and keeps throwing entertaining but identical movies at the audience. And it's all the same, with end credits scenes, Stan Lee cameos and desperate attempts at world building. Same old PG-13 movie with talented actors, some funny jokes and forgettable big bad played by underutilized talent that is defeated in the end with our valiant heroes ready to fight evil again. And there's nothing wrong with these films (well Marvel ones, DCEU is another story). But I'm sure there are more people like me who feel some of those characters really deserve serious treatment. People who want to see real stakes in those stories. Even though it means our hearts are gonna be ripped out.
And Logan is different. This is a road movie with two characters from X Men being in it. I just adore the fact that during the war between DCEU and Marvel Fox came along and pull the rug from under them simply by respecting the audience's and the creators wishes. Give us R rated, serious Wolverine movie that really does him, the fans and Hugh Jackman justice. And they did.

The film is beautifully written. You really cannot say that about many movies lately, period, let alone in this genre. The way the characters talk to each other is how people talk in real life. There is one particular moment when Logan, Charles and Laura get new clothes and Charles puts on the hat. He takes another hat and tells Logan that one is for him and Logan says he'll put it on in a second. I'm not sure if I can express properly why but it felt like such a natural moment for me, like something an older father would say to his son. They just didn't feel like characters, they felt like people. Apparently a lot of the moments were improvised by the actors and the result is just lovely.
The film manages to strike an admirable balance between truly moving scenes and wonderful moments of levity. There is one scene in particular that really moved me and then it effortlessly made me laugh when Logan started trashing his car. Sometimes all that was needed was a really funny, simple line ("That's my dad...Chuck"). There are also so many smart instances of fan service here, like the adorable way in which plot justifies giving Logan his classic facial hair look (as much as I hated them for ruining that beautiful beard, I don't expect to see anything cuter this year than that tiny scissors moment) or the Wolverine toy being held by one of the kids, you know just in case you weren't drowning in your tears yet during that moment. In another films nods like that often times feel forced but here they didn't and genuinely made me smile.

That bit of fan service near the end actually ties to the story so beautifully - it's the kids, who read those comic books, giving Logan his classic look. Because of the substance he drinks near the end the plot finds the opportunity to feature him one last time as we all know him. And that's not all - to those kids, among them his own daughter - it's that hero they saw in comic books, who arrives to save them. It's how they saw him. How they remember him. and he is right there.
My God, how I wept during all of this.

There were only two things that I found to be a bit jarring and prevent me from giving this the perfect score - the CGI of X24 which I'm given to understand was Jackman with de-aging CGI. I don't know what was amiss, but something looked off to me. But it may as well be in my head - my brain rebels at them de-aging a man this fine (can we give me a round of applause for almost making it through 9 paragraphs without telling you how hot Hugh is in this? Take this man's razor away, please and thank you.)

The other thing was Marco Beltrami's score. Cliff Martinez was initially supposed to score this and it's such a shame he didn't because Beltrami is just not the same league as him. He occasionally does something truly special but here the lack of clear theme was a problem but even more so the jarring sounds he incorporated in action scene near the end. But that's it. These are literally the only two small complaints I have here.
The fact that we watched those characters for 17 years put this movie in a uniquely beneficial position. We already know Charles and Logan. We like them, we root for them, we want them to be happy. We care about what happens to them. And because of the passage of time it's not surprising they are older and weaker here. It makes everything feel ironically so real even if it's still a movie about a character with adamantium claws.

Charles was so frail in this movie and Stewart's performance was simply heartbreaking. We saw him in the superhero mode in previous films and to see him like that here was really saddening. We got to see that even those superheroes grow old and die. He was so exceptional in this movie and his 'I'm so sorry' to all those people who collapsed as the result of his tremors was just shattering. The monologue he gives about him not being worthy of living and where he implores Logan into taking a chance and finding happiness was an extraordinary scene.
The cast is all together really wonderful. There's Dafne Keen, in her debut, who did such a great job here. Between impressive action scenes - she did a lot of that herself - and her performance she was really wonderful and I look forward to whatever she does next. Her chemistry with Jackman was unbelievable. I wonder how many times they laughed when shooting that scene where she finally speaks to Logan and they both end up yelling at each other.

I see some complaints about the bad guys but honestly comparing to the bad guys in other CB movies these ones weren't as forgettable. Boyd Holbrook is slowly becoming so good in playing these shady as fuck guys and Richard E. Grant surprisingly brought both menace and few laughs (I also loved how unceremoniously Logan killed him). Stephen Merchant was really good as Caliban. My knowledge of X Men movies is incomplete and rusty, so I think we saw this character for the first time here. I really cared about him and the writers really didn't hold their punches.
But it's really Hugh Jackman's show. I don't think there is anyone in this world who doesn't like his work as Wolverine in those movies. I'm not a big fan of X Men franchise but Jackman has consistently brought charm and charisma to his work in those films. Unlike Ledger and Pfeiffer who gave what I until now (that's right I wrote it, you read it, that happened) considered best CBM performances Jackman leads here. He isn't someone who shows up on the background as a charismatic, cool character to steal the show. Jackman is that show. The reason why the story works, the action works and the emotional side of it works, is all him. The entire movie rests on his shoulders.

It's an exceptional thing he has managed. Think about that. Harrison Ford played Han Solo and Indiana Jones in 4 movies each (out of respect for him and the fans I ain't gonna count this Christmas special). Jackman appeared as this character in 9 movies, 7 of which weren't cameo roles. It's so much. It's 17 years. It's such an incredible commitment not just to the character but also to the fans and it's backed with such evident, genuine desire to get the character right for them.

But even if this was the first time we saw this character, it's just through and through a gorgeous, standalone performance. I saw grown men cry in the cinema when watching him - I think we all lost it when he said "it wasn't me" and then during the funeral scene. The emotional honesty of it all, and the fact he had so much to work with here all amounted to something so special. People keep saying that him and Stewart should be Oscar nominated. I disagree. It's only March but right now, if the year was over? They shouldn't just be nominated, they should win.

If these performances were in a movie that is not associated to comic book no one would be hesitant in calling them front runners to win. It's not just gonna be wrong if (when because I have no faith in the members of Academy doing the right thing) they omit this performance, it would frankly be disrespectful to the genre and to the actor who has played the part that gave people so much joy for nearly two decades.
The Academy should acknowledge that movies based on comic books are such a huge part of modern cinema. And no, they didn't do so when they give out technical nominations or when they awarded - ridiculously - Suicide Squad this year. Now they have the real chance to say 'we respect capable filmmakers and actors who give so many fans around the world those characters while also delivering such good work'. Jackman's work here - and Stewart's too - these are Oscar caliber performances. Appreciate them. The time and the opportunity is here.

Regardless, what matters here is the audience. The people behind this movie respect those watching it. It didn't feel like something that was made to make money, it felt like something they made because they wanted to tell this story. I haven't seen a movie I enjoyed this much since Fury Road and that was nearly 2 years ago.

I just cannot wait to see it again.

Logan (2017, USA, 127 min)
Plot: In the near future, a weary Logan cares for an ailing Professor X somewhere on the Mexican border. However, Logan's attempts to hide from the world and his legacy are upended when a young mutant arrives, pursued by dark forces.
Director: James Mangold
Writers: James Mangold, Scott Frank and Michael Green
Stars: Hugh Jackman, Patrick Stewart, Dafne Keen

If that's not porn...

...then I don't know what the FUCK porn is.

First of all, happy St. Patrick's Day! (though over here every Friday is St. Patrick's Day and technically it's still Thursday were you are, but this thing is so long I had to publish it already. God one knows how much would I add tomorrow)

Secondly, I do hope you're about to enjoy the sickest most fun part of any RF - the pervy opening paragraphs 80% of it - because the dark forces (Sony and WB) are gathering (about to take a shit on) and are coming for our favorite things (rebooting the movies we love).

But before we get to that....

If you follow me on twitter (and you really shouldn't - no one should be exposed to this much stupid) or read this column regularly (this is even worse) then you already know that when last Friday I saw Hugh Jackman split that shotgun in half on his knee in Logan the space continuum thingy broke the fuck down. And there, defenseless and powerless, I got sucked in again...into the vortex...of Tinkerbell Pervypocalypse.

I actually knew this was going to happen few seconds into the movie. The moment I saw him looking a little bit homeless, being grumpy and killing people while throwing the F word around I went "oh, no" .

I knew. I just knew. I knew it meant making gifs, watching shitload of talk show appearances and even rewatching Les Mis and fucking Prisoners (fun fact: he is my choice #3 for worst actor that year for his intense Oscar bait aka sink vandalism acting) is my near future. 

Jesus Christ...Van Helsing. 

This is how it happens. Your brain explodes and you experience a flashforward. And then you are back and sit there wide-eyed in worship mode having deep thoughts like 'you know if he was banging me and his claws came out and killed me, I wouldn't mind'. And then you're like 'I should focus on the movie'. And then it gets shot to shit when he is all bloody and picks up a child from the ground and carries her in his arms and you feel like you are going to die.

Why God, why? Why did it have to happen? Why did he have to look so adorably homeless? And why is that the thing that made me go 'oh my' after so many of you already crossed that bridge a while back when it comes to him?

What the fuck is wrong with me?

No, no, we don't have the kind of time here to explore that. Although let's just agree that if my type of a man looks like a homicidal, violent, homeless and grumpy alcoholic then the possibility of me being violently murdered is almost as high as me simply dying alone and Gustav chewing my face off.

Now that we predicted I'll be brutally murdered one day - here is far more current issue: should I send the basket of mini muffins to the cinema? There is no way, week later, the seat I sat on during Logan is dry yet. m.brown thinks there is a police tape there by now. I think they should burn some sage. I also think every single person who had the misfortune of being in the same cinema as me should get exorcised, just in case.

Never fear readers, I have a plan. Monday, Wednesday and Friday are gonna be Hugh days and Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays are gonna be Ed's days. And Sundays should - and I'm sure soon will - be electroshock days.

So far the execution of that plan is going horribly.

But the upside is that I have seen Jackman point to his dick while trying to get Taron Egerton to guess the phrase 'go with the flow' about 15 times by now.

I'm not sure how this is an upside, but let's just say it is.

Every single time something like this happens the usual drill is just to go for the movies (and as God is my witness I will sit through Australia again). But this is different because my first instinct was checking out all those interviews he gave on talk shows. I can only assume that my own instincts are to die because Jesus Christ I knew the man was charming (blast from the past - you may wanna read what I wrote about him when it comes to Les Mis GG, it was fun for me to go back and spot the seeds of madness) but this was almost deadly levels of it.

I saw that Jackman/Fassbender/McAvoy episode of Graham Norton. I just cannot believe these women waved 5 dollar bills. Just to be clear I am taking offense at the nominal here. Come on ladies. At least a 100. I googled...stuff (no, no! I'm not linking dick pics here for the third time in a month, ladies!). 5 bucks ain't enough. I'm pretty sure what is left of my soul wouldn't be enough.

I also rewatched Deception which I saw years ago and therefore knew exactly just how shit it was but I didn't remember the crucial thing about that movie, or any movie, really: whether or not he has scenes where he bangs women (and you can actually see stuff).

He did but you saw fuck all.

I was very sad.

Ewan had a lot of action in this, though.

I also saw a lot of his appearances on Fallon. A lot of  things happened there but I may faint when discussing them. I also fell down the hole when I googled his pictures when he walks dogs:

Just look how smug the one on the right is.

I'm just gonna link this other thing. 

I can't even talk about it. I can't.

Amanda Seyfried is pregnant now isn't she? How the fuck did she get pregnant when her ovaries exploded?

The struggle to will my brain into doing something productive was real on Monday as I was writing my Logan review. It's truly admirable that I wrote something so coherent.

And then also on Monday this happened:

Can I pet him please? Also here's what tumblr did with this picture.

Yep, he has a twitter. 

I already asked if I can adopt him. 

I'm just sitting here, waiting to get sued.

As early as Tuesday things were already at catastrophic level:

On Wednesday I saw The Wolverine. He pornographically grunts in this too. Also behold:

MPAA and their strategic censorship of godlike form is truly evil. Why is everyone so afraid of this?! Women can be naked but oh, the humanity! A penis! Maybe if there were more out there on the screen poor Patrick Stewartwould have a better idea of what a cut and uncut one looks like.

To be fair it's not always obvious. At least to me but maybe I don't look long enough. And it depends where you are, geographically. Here we don't have many cut ones. Actually...

...you know what?

Let's not follow the dick path and just move on.

(oh by the way, Dunkirk was just rated PG-13 for 'intense war experience'. Well, shit and fuck. There is 'intense war experience' in a war movie? Thank you for clarifying this, MPAA.)

The film was pretty good, it's nowhere near as great as Logan but it's pretty solid action flick. I also correctly predicted which one of the ladies (who all eyefucked him) is gonna be the lucky one to score. 

He banged the shy, suicidal one. 

This film was so relatable.

And by the way guys, I asked which one to watch first - Origins or this one - and some of you were talking to me about the script and actual filmmaking aspects of it. All you had to do was mention the above scene. That's literally all you had to do. 

Van Helsing, guys. I will literally watch dog shit. 

I'm just gonna leave my tweet from several hours ago here: 

Now I really hope Reynolds who seems to wanna bang him almost as much as I do talks him into appearing in Deadpool 2. It would still be cool if he showed up as someone else or as himself. 

You know what else I thought of? Colin Farrell plays the character Clint Eastwood played in original The Beguiled. And so many people said Hugh Jackman should play the part because he is apparently similar looking (I don't know, I never wanted to sit on Eastwood's face). Can you fucking imagine...him romancing as a wounded soldier all those chicks in a secluded school? Should we be sad this didn't happen or should we be glad because we would all die watching this?

I've been really bad Ed Harris fangirl this week but! since it's Saint Patrick's Day I implore everyone yet again to watch State of Grace (there is a SP day parade there near the end during really cool shootout sequence) which not that you would remember - because I sincerely hope the words from this column escape your mind quickly - but I called it 90s Departed. And everything 90s is generally better. Also on the bright side I did make a lot of progress in my write up and I saw Ed's part in Creepshow (which was so much like Tales of the Crypt). 4 out of 80's films left!

The problem is my mind is so blown from how bizarre Walker, Knighriders and Creepshow are I don't even know what to write about those. It's pure camp. It's Ed Harris in camp movies. I feel like I should just put trailers for those films because that should be enough to intrigue people.

Where the hell are any news about Westworld? It's been 4 months since the show ended. Ed Harris is nowhere near the desert they shoot on. All that I have to give people on my board are fan edits. Is HBO kidding here?

Don't ask me how my Best of 2016 post is going.

It's not. 

Can I just skip this year altogether? Between Fury Road and Logan there is zero passion from me for movies released in between those. 

Oh God are the only movies I'm able to truly enjoy anymore road films with lost girls and a scruffy hero? Wait, I think I know how I will get murdered...I'll start hitchhiking, won't I?

The Handmaiden was great but I didn't feel the need to write about it this much. I enjoyed Hell or High Water the most of 2016 films but it's the kind of movie you watch and have fun but you don't cry about it later. Thinking of Fury Road and Logan is moving on its own.

I'll eventually make the list, it's tradition after all. It's just 2016 was just such a shit cinematic year.

So Ben Affleck posted on his facebook that he has been in rehab for alcoholism. He apparently checked in after the Oscars. So that is roughly two weeks. Now he is out there saying on facebook that he 'completed' treatment.

Let me preface what I have to say that with this - I think it's a fantastic and wonderful thing when a person admits they have a problem AND does something about it. It's the easiest thing to develop addiction and the hardest to stop it. So that's great and all the best luck to Ben.

But...

I have to point out that his wording is silly and frankly a bit insulting, especially given that these statements are always so carefully prepared.

The fact that Affleck is an alcoholic is well known. The only people who haven't realized must be those who never took a look at his face. This is also not Affleck's first rodeo when it comes to rehab. And there is no way someone who probably also takes drugs, at his age, completed even the simple detox in this time.

First of all, you cannot cure alcoholism, you 'cannot complete' treatment. Second of all, in two weeks time the only thing he did was detoxing his liver. And after Oscar parties, who knows if the two weeks time was even enough. He would have to sit his ass in there for 3 months for anything effective. Third of all, and this is why I am even writing this paragraph, the shady as fuck timing of this statement. I resent the fact that someone is using something as serious as addiction as a bait for the media because this is what is happening. In the last 2 weeks there was again the uninteresting will they, won't they get divorced drama between him and his wife, new Batman drama and most damning of all - more and more people asking Casey Affleck about his shady past in light of him winning the Oscar. 

In other DCEU is a mess news - Suicide Squad 2will be written by the person who wrote The Legend of Tarzan. What can possibly go wrong?

And here we have new Wonder Woman trailer. It's nowhere near as awesome as the one from Comic Con but it seems Gal has found the right balance between innocence and fierceness and I do love that wicked look little Diana has on her face when she sees the sword.

PoorDan Stevens. Imagine your not even attractive co-star goes 'oh he was way more hot before he turned into human form played by this actor'.

Here's new trailer for American Gods. It looks a bit cheap and not as awesome as Fuller's shows look usually...but Ian McShane is in it and it's really all that matters. 

Ed Sheeranis gonna have a cameo on on Game of Thrones. I quite like this dude's songs, especially Bloodstream and the show is a mess now anyways, so why not.

Here's Jeff Bridges bringing back the Dude for John Goodman's Walk of Fame ceremony last week

Christian Baleis probably fucking done professionally with Terence Malick.

Not only is Sony doing another monumentally stupid thing (first Spider Man, then Ghosbusters) but they got completely fucking stupid director to do it.

They are finally making the sequel to The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo...but it's a reboot. Yep. Their ditching Fincher which is bad but they are also ditching Craig and Mara which is just so dumb.

This is what the director Fede Alvarez said about that on twitter - It's said that 50% of the director's work is casting. If I'd just take Fincher's (amazing) casting, I wouldn't be doing half of my job. 

If you need someone to dissect this idiocy, this post does this better than I ever could.

But if you think this is the most terrible idea Hollywood had this week..

...you're wrong.

This just borders on sacrilege, doesn't it? The movie is what, 18 years old? I actually remember watching it on my VCR for the very first time in 2002, maybe? I was 13. They are rebooting movies I saw when I was a teenager? Fuck off!

And finally in 1,5h I will sit through Prisoners again. And I will livetweet my experience. I am sure this viewing will be far more entertaining than the last but damn, nothing can improve this dumb as hell plot.

m.brown reviews Hacksaw Ridge

Alex writes about his favorite performances of the late, wonderful Bill Paxton 

Keith and Brittani review Kong: Skull Island 

MettelRay chooses her favorite movies set in ancient world

Ruth writes about new Wonder Woman trailer

Myerla, Jordan and Dell review Logan

KG's Movie Reviews has a guide in case you wanna see more of Hugh Jackman as Logan. And you should. Good God, we all should.

RELATED POSTS:

I thought of a nickname for him.

Are you guys ready to know what it is? 

...

.....

.......

Boo kangaroo.

Exactly.

Here's the visual.

(let's disregard all the typos in the following tweets and just be glad my brain can even somewhat formulate words anymore)

Welcome to week 2...of this:

The last tweet is what happens when you're horny, stupid and bored at work.

I rewatched Prisoners. Yep, still so dumb. And the pace of that thing! 2,5h of various subplots designed to throw the audience off the scent as to who kidnapped those kids even though Dano pretty much admits to it in the parking lot in the first 30 minutes of it. The cinematography is great, the scene where Gyllenhaal drives the girl to the hospital near the end is sensational and his performance is amazing but the story is just such a fucking nonsense. Here are some tweets:

2,5h....not one shirtless scene. Jesus Christ.

I followed that with Eddie the Eagle (1st time watch) and that was a really charming, entertaining and sweet movie. Seriously I can't recommend it enough. I don't think there is anyone out there who wouldn't enjoy this film.  Taron Egerton is such a likable actor and he was really wonderful here and Hugh was just lovely. I also appreciate the fact he spent the entire movie in insanely tight jeans.

 There is a scene where he fakes an orgasm...

 I think I simply need to burn my chair. Like...by now it's probably required by the law that I do that.

Swordish was even dumber than I remembered and I don't know why but Hugh had an earring in that. Not even Harrison Ford can pull off an earring. Thankfully this happened:

so...what earring?

Then I saw Someone Like You. 

How the hell did I not see this movie before? I thought I saw every single romantic comedy of the early aughts that was unleashed upon the world. The plot of the movie was dumb and the heroine was pathetic (and I'd probably act the same way in her situation, except I am not former cheerleader so I don't even have that going for me, so she is actually less pathetic than me) but my God, the swoon factor. 

And funny thing it was released in the same year as Bridget Jones' Diary and shares two songs with it and ends in almost exactly the same way. I foresee a lot of rewatches of this one.

Sometimes though, it backfires when you are single and put a romantic movie on. There was this scene where she is a mess and he hugs her and tells her she will find love again and I actually had to stop the movie and I wept for good 20 minutes.

It was probably because I just did my spring cleanse so there was no liquor to drown my human impulses in.

Fucking Hollywood suggesting that there is the one out there waiting for you! And everything is gonna be all right! When in my office there are men who won't even hold the door open for women. And you handle divorce cases all the time where people who once loved each other and now have kids do things so heinous to each other it just makes you sad. You can get used to any situation when you focus on upsides of your life and the downsides of the life you occasionally think you want.  And there are people who literally have nothing out there so I have no right to complain. I probably shouldn't be sad because we all want what we currently don't have and if we had it we would find a million problems with it and want the opposite. But sometimes you watch a goddamn movie and something in it just shatters your little glass wall.

What the fuck am I talking about, right? Why am I going all serious and deep in the middle of perving session? It's like someone stopped foreplay and started talking about explosive diarrhea.

I apologize, if you lived on kale for a week straight (sorry, there is also arugula and some tomatoes), you'd be less inclined to attempt to put a humorous spin on things too. Just be grateful I never wrote the review of  Christine with my personal thoughts. Let's just stop depressing you all and go back to spreading Tinkerbell dust and making you laugh!

Because seriously....my eyes are about to get messed up. When he is shirtless I legitimately have no idea where to look. At his face? At his torso? At his bulge? Where, where the fuck do I look?!

On Sunday I rewatched Van Helsing which I have not seen in more than a decade. Oh man...was that bad. It started well but then after 10 minutes it was getting worse. And then it got worse steadily for 120 minutes. The CGI other then the werewolves special effects was just awful, Kate Beckinsale's heavy make up in freaking Transylvania was hilarious and the story was such nonsense. There was also this one scene where he was falling out of the carriage and his legs were spread and there was a wheel and I was so worried about his dick so that was extremely stressful. BUT....the original theme was badass and Hugh's outfit, torso and hair and you know...his everything, were enough to guarantee a good time.

Then I rewatched Scoop which is one of Woody's worse films but it's still pretty damn funny. It has the great Ian McShane, Charles Dance shows up (for two brief scenes, but still), Allen is in it and he always makes me laugh when he is acting in his movies and there are several really funny scenes. Jackman's evil acting was ridiculous (oh baby, you tried...), but GOOD GOD:

Don't you fucking dare tell me imdb boards were evil. This is from the archived boardfor Scoop -  Apparently you weren't the only one to think so. The wet swim trunks are clinging to Mr. Jackman in way that is certainly flattering, but I would not say he was displaying any heightened arousal. Since wet fabric tends to cling, and swim trunks provide little to no male support, the wet swim trunks outlined and emphasized Mr. Jackman's anatomy in a manner similar to wet t-shirts on young co-eds.Considering that most pools are kept below body temperature and that he had just come out of the water, Mr. Jackman retained his size quite well. I believe his former co-star Kate Beckinsale would be a better judge on that. According to the July 2006 Allure magazine, Ms. Beckinsale said of Mr. Jackman while filming Van Helsing:"He was naked in one of our scenes, and they had to wedge it all so it wouldn't show, but it sort of all fell out, and his bits and pieces rested gently on my leg. It was, you know, a privilege." Apparently neither physical restraint nor cold water can contain Mr. Jackman.  

Read that last sentence again. I dare you.

It's out there. My belief now is that one day this beautiful man is going to be The Angelic Kangaroo that brings the End of the World. How will he start the Apocalypse? He'll tweet that footage. After he tweeted this we know he is not above tweeting actual porn.

I also saw Chappie for the very first time on Monday. The longer it went, the worse it got and the gangsta subplot was absolutely ridiculous and unbearable. However they really made me care for the robot and the scenes were they abused him were extremely difficult  to watch. Hugh had hilarious hair in this and he spoke with his Australian accent. I'm not sure what he was trying to do but he was trying to do...something. He was one of the very few highlights of this movie.

on Saturday I watched a movie sans Hugh, you know to recover a little bit, and that was Manchester by the Sea. Thanks to m.brown I knew something absolutely fucking horrific happens and let's say the second we saw Lee's situation in flashbacks I knew exactly to whom this is going to happen. But still it was just so awful when I was proven right. However the film was nowhere near as dark as I was worried it was going to be, there was so much humor there and the chemistry between Affleck and Hedges was absolutely delightful. 

 The only thing that I didn't fully dig about Manchester was Wiliams' acting. She is usually good and I do give her credit for her performance in Blue Valentine - had I made the list of top 5 characters in cinematic history I hate the most her spoiled, heartless, stupid (by all means wannabe doctor, bang a guy without using protection) bitch of a character would be near the top. But her work in Manchester was not very convincing.

And just for the record I disliked her performance before I found out about this:

There is no way what she does in this movie will pierce its way through my intense jealousy during whatever romantic scenes she has with him. Crap, I was hoping Rebecca Ferguson (who is also in the movie) plays his wife. Her I like!

Took me a whole day to realize he already worked with Michelle - and groped her - in Deception. Is it perhaps some sort of dormant dislike that was lying there in my brain since I first saw this movie years ago? We'll never know. There is no one in this world brave enough to analyze my mind.

Also this is insanely irrational because that film seems as Oscar baity as Oscar baits go but I want it to get pushed to 2018 (by the way they had a fire on the set. What the fuck, PROTECT boo kangaroo! I'm so upset there was a fire near him I'm not even gonna make a joke that it probably started because he is so hot. Shit, I just made that joke, didn't I?) because that way maybe he would get in for Logan and I just want him to win for something that means so much to him and would mean so much for fans and genre films if leading actor Oscar went to a movie like that - not just typical fucking biography award season movie. It would literally make me so fucking happy if this man won for Logan. People still look down on films like that. It's not right. 

Like can you imagine him winning for playing Wolverine over all those 'serious' performances in 'serious' dramas ? That would be one of the best things ever. People would cheer, he would cry, my underwear would probably hit the TV screen so fast while I weep, Gustav would look at me with such great disdain and sighed...just pure Oscar magic.

If this thing is out in 2017 then Logan is gonna be seen as just something that pushes the members to vote for another performance of his ("oh he was good in that comic book movie so I guess he deserves to be nominated for that serious movie"). And I sincerely doubt he can top that there. To be fair I literally don't think anyone this year in any movie can top what he did.

I weep just thinking of some of his scenes. I found this on tumblr and again I wept for several minutes. 

Then I found this.

You still have time. 

Oh, fuck my life.

(yeah, I think I should just give up on those occasional cleanses and embrace living like I don't wanna live, this fucking detox is messing me up. The leather skirt I mentioned last week fits perfectly now but at what cost, Jesus Christ).

 Michael Shannon may be in Deadpool 2. Make it happen, Reynolds. And get Hugh in there. Shirtless. Just do it, Ryan. Just do it. Make Canada proud. Make us proud.You're the only Hugh fangirl he follows on twitter. Use that influence, Ryan. For the love of God, use it.

YOU NEED TO BE IN, SIR. AT ALL TIMES. IN.

Now let's go back to Ed Harris. Because I have been informed by MettelRay of this. The problem is that imdb is not listing anything in filming stage for neither Ed nor that dude with him. 

So let me get this straight - not only did imdb nuke the boards where there were literally whole threads about Jackman's dick but now they are also failing to provide filming information and I know more than they do because I have wide net of spies among my awesome readers who give me a shout whenever they spot one of my favs?

This is not for Westworld obviously because HBO is giving us news about that at glacial pace and nothing is happening. This is also not for porn because I'm not this lucky.  No idea what it is for. I will be vigilantly observing what happens though.

I managed to sneak Ed in between Hugh (aren't I good with words, guys?) and finally saw Jacknife where he almost made mustache work and stole the show from De Niro. I also have written 16 out of 20 for my first post about him so all wee need now is screencaps and one day of finishing up and as I promised it will up in March. So...such diversity around here.

 I don't know if I have faith in Aronofsky anymore. And Mother! needs to deliver because this is my only hope for Oscar season that includes both Hugh and Ed. I'm pretty sure Geostorm's sole accomplishment will be if it gets a single fresh review on Rotten Tomatoes.

 Camille Preaker, the main character in Sharp Objects, is a beautiful, sexy, slim, mysterious woman. And to best of my recollection, a brunette. The filming of the adaptation with Amy Adams in this role began this week. Behold this disaster.

Not only is she still ginger but what is going on with her stomach? Did she just had enormous lunch? Did she just, in retaliation, devour some poor Academy member who did not nominate her for her shitty sulking in Arrival? She is gonna show up, do her usual boring act and can't even be bothered to dye that carrot mop. OH MY GOD.

Here's awesome and truly inspired new poster for Alien: Covenant. 10 bucks this poster is gonna turn out to be much better than the actual movie.

THE EVIL HAS BEEN DEFEATED.

Penelope has horrific voice but this may just work. Her as Donatella is certainly more interesting than Gaga playing her. I wish we were getting this season sooner, not a year from now.

 Rebecca Fergusonis gonna be surrounded by the whole lot of blandness in this movie. Also my God, Cavill is gonna be seated in all of his scenes with Cruise, right? Tommy Girl apparently doesn't like when other actors are taller than him so this is probably something that is actually stipulated in the contract.

Hide. Your. Couches.

Charlize and Jasonbringing the hotness to China for the premiere of that new Fast and Furious movie yesterday.

In case you don't know it and you're a guy - being a woman is fucking terrible. And here's another proof - EW covers dedicated to new season of Twin Peaks. Men age better than women. Look at Kyle. Meanwhile I seriously didn't recognize Laura Palmer there.

I'm 27 years (still, technically. In September I'm gonna kill myself) old and I need to use night cream. Goddammit, everything is just so unfair this week, isn't?

Here's the very charming trailer for Love Actually reunion special.

Tom Hardyis gonna read another bedtime story this weekend for Mother's Day in UK. You know, just in case your ovaries recovered after he read it last time. He was on the set of season 4 of Peaky Blinders today, along with his adorable dog Woody. Adrien Brodyhas just joined the cast of the show. 

If Woody Harrelson is giving up weed then I fear the End is truly upon us.

This is not right at all.

Zimmer gets hired to do the score. Zimmer gets paid for doing the score. Months later he whines about this and shits on Affleck's performance. Hans, you are acting like a bitch.

 I know fashion and not only is that skirt not it, it's an abomination. I'm size 6 from waist down so I assume Scarlett there is probably 2 or 4 (apparently she weights as much as I do, how is this possible?!). Yeah, not even size 0 could wear that skirt.

And finally, ladies and gentlemen....Ewan McGregor:

OnTheScreenReviews lists top 10 movies of the 90s 

Sinekdoks and Jordan review Life 

KG's Movie Rants reviews The Matrix

Ruth celebrated St. Patrick's Day with some awesome music scenes from movies

Chris reviews the only movie that matters - Logan

Alex shares Q&A with Terrence Malick

Brittani writes about terrific What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? 

MettelRay reviews Fifty Shades Shittier

and finally m.brown has an awesome review of The Wolverine. He attempts to fangirl about Hugh. Attemps because what you just witnessed right here on this website is the fucking mastery.

RELATED POSTS:

Yep. I cannot even use spaces in tweets right anymore.

Happy Friday! Here's Hugh dubsmashing to Katy Perry. 

I just want to say to my dear readers before they read this RF...may God have mercy on your souls. There are two themes this week. First one is: Hugh Jackman is such a gift to humanity and we are not worthy of him. Second is: most men other than him deserve to be whacked in a dick with a tennis racket. I'll explain the latter later on in the post. The former needs no explanation.

Let's start:

 I just love that scene in The Wolverine I mentioned in that tweet above. There was literally no reason for it. And yet it happened. Him just swinging that axe in that tank top. God bless cinema. God bless it.

This right here is Hugh (in my edit I made on Sunday evening because clearly I have nothing better to do) being rightfully Golden Globe nominated for Kate and Leopold:

Say it with me - ADORABLE.

And also - highly interesting visual.

...and we're in the gutter already and it's only 8th bullet point. 

....

........

Well, let's continue. 

(I assure you - this will get so much worse.)

I rewatched that movie on Saturday. The film is dumb as hell and Meg Ryan's character was surprisingly not relatable - and I don't mean it just because she didn't faint the second Hugh dropped that the way your face looks in moonlight line. If I could be with that man and all I had to do was 1. believe time travel exists 2. abandon my life 3. jump off the bridge I wouldn't hesitate or be scared like this bitch did.  I'd jump immediately.

Show me that bridge. SHOW me that bridge.

Also show me the leading man in romantic comedy of the last 20 years half as charming as he was here. You can't.

 My own dog is laughing at me, you guys -->

Hugh stood up every single time she left the table. He helped her put on a coat. He made her breakfast. He carried her to bed in his arms. He RODE A WHITE HORSE. I was just gasping and sighing all over the place. Please tell me there are still men like that out there. And please tell me people are teaching their sons to act that way towards women. We need to protect and preserve chivalry. I don't want to live in the world where it doesn't exist. And it's on the verge of a fucking extinction.

I made a gifset of some of the chivalrous stuff he does in the movie. Take a look. Copy it for your ladies. Not so much the horse riding but you know, everything else.

(also this was one of the deleted scenes. Why the fuck would you delete this from the movie?!)

Before I was swooning so hard I almost died while watching Hugh play a duke and being so, so charming (Hollywood is occasionally doing God's work) I saw Wolverine Origins or whatever the fuck the title of this movie is for the very first time. Oh it was bad. Not horrible, but bad. And I know Reynolds delivered with Deadpool last year but my God he must have no shame at all because after Origins he should have just leave Hollywood and walk the Earth.

 I legitimately don't know what I meant with the barn tweet. Something dirty for sure, but what specifically, I have no idea.

During the week I rewatched X-Men. Hugh was basically in a baby Wolverine form compared to him in 2013's movie where his arm was the size of my thigh and nothing should ever be the size of my thigh (also here is Richard E. Grant posting this wonderful photo and saying similar thing).

I'm fascinated with the way the claws come out when he is sleeping. He is banging women left and right in this franchise (thank you FOX). So he has a nightmare and the claws come out? How many chicks died this way? Can I be one of them? I mean if there is a way to go, going after banging him seems like the least awful out there. Or during. You will understand what I'm referring to in a moment (the fear is palpable among the male readers atm)

Anyways...

I rewatched The Prestige on Friday night. I livetweeted it in a highly sober and dignified manner:

This right here is the verbalization of the high pitched noises I was making.

Mental note - don't do a cleanse and follow it with vodka. Or at least don't go on twitter when you do.

It's such a great movie. Here's my review written back when I actually 1. wrote reviews 2. they were good (just ignore the fact the images don't work in it). It's Nolan's best film, hands down. And until Logan Hugh's best work. He is just so fucking amazing there. I gasp every time I watch it and he goes 'I don't care about my wife I only care about his secret".

And those outfits they put him in. That was so good.

The only weak link is Scarlett but it's not entirely her fault. Nolan cannot really write good female characters and it takes a really strong actress (like Hall in this movie) to do wonders with the role. 

WHICH KNOT DID YOU TIE, BORDEN?!

Ugh, I just want to praise him and feed him strawberries.

Ladies and gentlemen. For the very first time (well, there was a gif last week but this is a picture taken in the wild not a gif from the movie) on this sophisticated website I give you...bookangarooconda.

...

....

.......

I'm just giving you time to....take all of it in. With your eyes. I mean. 

Any survivors? 

Let's continue.

Personal story time - I was a huge nerd in school and I had straight As from everything but P.E. 

Had I have a teacher like that I'd definitely be in the fucking Olympics. 

I mean *had* I have a teacher like that I'd definitely be in the *fucking* Olympics.

 The man is tweeting about the ice cream as in the food you literally lick named after him and using 'in' in all caps:

Jesus Christ, viewing this tweet is the equivalent of sitting on malfunctioning washing machine.

Which for the record I have never done (stupid washing machine here is built into cabinets so it's useless to me).

 I think he needs to be locked up somewhere, this is not safe at all. Just imagine if someone was driving a car and saw that tweet. I'd just....straight into a fucking tree. This is why I don't drive. I am responsible like that.

I wonder about him. I really do. Is he this sweet, bouncing kangaroo who sees there is ice cream named after him and goes "oh that is so cute! I'm gonna share this with my followers!"

or...

 is he this cruel, ruthless tormentor (I need to lie down...) who decides to tweet the equivalent of Matrix Reloaded Orgasm Cake? 

By the way he tweeted this on Tuesday, 3 PM my time. Thank God it was half an hour left to go home and my co-workers didn't seem to notice I was catatonic for 30 minutes just muttering the words "kangaroo" and "licking" to myself.

OH MY GOD WHAT DID HE ALMOST SAY?!:

Two things pain me so much. The first one:

And the second:

 That will probably not happen but if this happened it would be the greatest thing that has ever happened. The Witcher is a big deal here since it's pretty much the one of the only two successful 'art' things that came from my country (along with Ida) in the last 30 years so the adaptation talk is everywhere on our web. And Jackman is everyone's top choice. Ughhh I wish Hollywood was more eager to adapt this. Our mythology that you can see in the game is actually so amazingly dope, in large it is forgotten because Christian invasion forced it into obscurity but I have read so many books about it. The creatures and myths in our local folklore are incredible and would make for such amazing things on screen if done well.

I just want to see him seduce a bunch of schoolgirls and fuck women on top of stuffed magical creatures. 

Why can't I have nice things?

 Do you guys remember 2013? When Hugh won his Golden Globe and walked on stage and adorably talked about that bike wheels theft? And how it was between him and Lewis in the Oscar race? And how the fucking Academy went "fuck it, 2 is not enough and he had fake beard and played real dude" and gave it to Lewis? Because it's 2017 and there's Hugh in a movie (The Greatest Showman) that will be musical category and now this crap is happening. Which makes me mad. But I'm already on the verge of blind fury because he needs to be nominated for Logan and I have no faith in the Academy. This Oscar season will be a nightmare.

Hugh actually showedThe Greatest Showman footage on CinemaCon last night.

(and by the way I know his wife said once she hates being told that she won the lottery because she is his wife but woman, you DID win a lottery. Any woman married to him would win a lottery. He thanked her for 1/3 of this speech above. My God.)

Ed Harris showed up on Paleyfest to promote Westworld. This is amazing,

 Let me help you understand - Ed Harris usually spends time on his ranch in Malibu, riding horses and planting or cutting down trees (I love nature but the latter is hotter). If he goes anywhere it's to film stuff or act on stage. If press comes there, he talks to them. But this is Ed Harris actually going to an event to promote something he did and making people laugh and stealing the show.

This is as surprising as if I wrote a dignified RF (with no 1. ejaculation joke 2. bulge photo 3. oral sex reference, we're 2/3 in and this stuff already happened here this week) that would actually inform you of something relevant and that would make you think "wow, this girl must have satisfying love life". 

So in other words extremely fucking surprising.

What is even more amazing than seeing him promote is him making people laugh so hard. The quality of this is so bad but you can see Marsden was dying there.

Here you can read everything new we found out about season 2.

I know, I know. I promised the first post on Ed will be up in March but I really wanna do a good job there. I really want to write about each of those performances everything I can find and think of. I want people to really want to see those movies. So just give me few more days. 

 How the hell do you people manage to post several posts a week? By the time I'm done with all the stuff I have to deal with daily it's 10 or 11 pm. And I'm single and childless. Are you telling me that me coming up with new and exciting places to hide Gustav's toys in so he needs to find them and me stealing them from him and running away as he is chasing me takes more time than what normal people do? 

 I need to wake up at 5.30 am Monday to Friday so anything I do after 11 pm comes from my Tinkerbell needs to sleep time. Hence me not having seen new episode of Feud this week and having to divide the movies into two parts between days. This is madness.

There was this moment this week when this guy I don't even know suggested it's inappropriate to fangirl about an actor. Fasten your seat belts because I have lots to say. I spend 40 hours a week in a very stressful, difficult job where I see every day how people's lives implode. Often times I read about medical malpractice, people getting crippled for their entire lives or losing their children. I am tired after I come home. I don't even have the strength to go to the movies that often, and I love movies, let alone go out and 'find a husband' as I'm sure patriarchal society would love for me to do at any cost, anyone really, just to fit in. I am way underpaid even though I have studied for years, never been late to work and never say no to extra work. If after I come home all I want to do is sit down and watch a dumb movie just because there is someone in the movie I find hot, you know what? I fucking will. And no man on this planet, absolutely no man has any right to tell me or any other woman how she should spend her free time or where to find joy. Oh and it's not just about looks. Because guys like Ed Harris - who is exemplary husband - and Hugh Jackman - who is also and is an extremely friendly and nice guy - are literal treasures. World is filled with men who abuse women, who don't treat women with respect and who feel the need to tell them what they can do even in the matter as trivial as what they can enjoy in the goddamn movie they watch. My world is filled with men who don't even say 'good morning' or help me out when I carry stacks of papers (you have no idea how bad my back hurts at the end of the week). So when I see one who doesn't seem to be like that and also happens to be a wonderful actor which as a movie fan I admire, I will sure as hell appreciate them however I want even if it's horribly inappropriate, pervy, unbecoming and offends someone's delicate sensibilities. And if anyone out there wants to judge me for it and voice their judgment to me then watch the fuck out because I will not let that stand for a second. 

Unless you are worried for the sensibilities of an actor? Are we really going to assume the man who did not drink water for 36 hours prior to shooting the scene so that his muscles would look even more impressive would be horrified that the sight of him makes someone lose their mind? Yes, I am 21 years younger than him, not horrible looking girl who thinks he is a beautiful man and worships him. Oh, the horror. What a terrible thing is happening to that man.

 It is possible to appreciate someone's looks AND someone's talent. It is possible to feature a picture of a man's - there is no other way to put this - impressive dick bulging against the towel AND cry buckets when he cries in the movie because he is so damn good at what he does. And it's still possible to hope he never ever gets cancer again because he is a sweet person and this should not be happening to good people. And it's still possible to hope he wins Oscars not because I want to see him in tuxedo on the red carpet - although I do want to see him in a tuxedo on the red carpet - but because he is talented and talented people should be appreciated and rewarded.

I am about to have seen every single thing Ed Harris did in his career. 76 movies. And I saw all of that not just because he is good looking but because he is the greatest actor out there. And you know what else? I'm fucking great at this. I can take my love for an actor, however immature or silly it may seem to 'functioning member of society' (and what the fuck is that, huh? I have a job, I pay taxes, I take care of my parents. When do I get the right to do and say what I want? When I'm married? When I have kids? No, it's when I am reborn as a man and have a penis, right?) and make something entertaining out of this for others. And that is this series the entry of which I hope you are enjoying right now.

 I haven't seen Big Little Lies last episodes but apparently Alexander Skarsgard's character pissed Nicole Kidman off and she whacked him with a tennis rocket...in the dick.

Ladies...I think that's it. We should start carrying tennis rackets. And any time a man tells us what to do, raises his voice or grabs our ass (all of those things happened to me on several occasions)?  Whack a dick. How else will they fucking learn? It's getting worse. I think my generation is the last one where some men are chivalrous enough to hold the door open for women. Unless my generation, those non awful in it, passes that to their sons how will they develop enough respect for women to realize that none of us gives a flying fuck what their opinion about properness of our outfits and opinions is?

You know who else should get whacked like that? The man (and I guarantee you it was a man) whose idea it was to do this. It's 20-fucking-17 and the prestigious film festival has a poster promoting it with a retouched picture of a beautiful as she was actress. This is beyond shameful. The fact she doesn't seem to mind is absolutely irrelevant. What is relevant is the message. And that message is: we're pigs. Yeah, we hear you, Cannes film festival.

Here's another candidate for the racket. Emma Thompson is such a treasure.

What a horrific trailer for It .I never saw the first movie so I have no idea what the story is about and it's worrying that the director of Mama is behind this one but that is one impressive trailer.

 Mayim Bialikthinks it's awful that grown women are sometimes being called girls. Personally I love being called a girl. When someone calls me a woman I feel old as hell. And as evidenced above we women have much bigger problems with the way men address us than this.

Chris Pratt is being a bitch again. You know what is skinny, Chris? That dog you and your wife abandoned. Drops mic. Judges for life.

 This is fucking hysterical. I legitimately laughed for like 5 minutes imagining Sorkin's disbelief. He is just so stunned this is happening. What kind of a bubble do successful white men live in? No, no. What kind of bubble do men live in? Hang on, so you can be a hardworking and talented woman and still not have the same opportunities as a man does? Well, shit and fuck. Who would have thunk it?

Here's gorgeous picture of Evan Rachel Wood on the cover of Elle.

Awesome new posters for American Gods.

Anne Hathawayis back, wearying a horrific dress and looking like she had something even more horrific done to her face. It's depressing younger and younger actresses are doing that. First Williams - it's so evident in her crying scene in Manchester - and now Anne.  There is nothing wrong with your looks! Stop doing that! Hugh Jackman carried you to the stage when he hosted the Oscars! You don't need anything more, woman!

Angelina Jolieis out there saying she is busy with kids (let's ignore the army of nannies) and is not using make up. The latter may be true. Is it still make up when you've been injected with a whole bunch of crap and probably Brad Pitt's leeched blood in the lips for permanent lipstick? 

I hate to write anything remotely sympathetic towards Angelina, but do you guys think male celebrities have to do this sort of crap? Hint - there is only one answer to this question. 

Joe Pesciis gonna be in The Irishman after all.

New teaser for Game of Thrones where the coolest moment is Cersei and her fake CGI breath. That says it all, doesn't it?

Breaking news - apparentlyJennifer Lawrence is mature and that's why Aronofsky is into her. I can confidently call myself a more mature person than this chick so this is saying something.

The poster for Kingsman 2. Cannot wait for this. Here's the first trailer description.

The director of Avengerswill make Batgirl movie for DCEU. The guy who couldn't make Black Widow solo for years is making the Batgirl movie. I don't know what to make of this.

Justice Leaguetrailer dropped and it's surprisingly not horrible. Momoa is worthy of a credit for making freaking Aquaman look so damn cool. He is probably definitely gonna be the best thing about this movie.

CinemaCon happened this week and we got whole bunch of movie news. There was also a rumor that the trailer for Blade Runner 2049 (where Jared Leto reportedly steals the show) will drop online and it didn't happen. I am very sad.

People got to see the trailer for The Murder on the Orient Express remake and apparently it's very good.

 I'm not sure what the hell kind of rehab detox technique Affleck did but it looks like he is now drinking twice as much. Also JFC Momoa is such a rock star I can't. Good husband, good dad, good co-worker, good actor. Good man. 

Cavill looks like a disgraced geography teacher on that picture, by the way.

J-boo did show up and in the same jacket he wore to one of Suicide Squad events last year. J-boo has fallen on hard times. People laugh at him, he cut his hair and looked like a lesbian for months and now his only shot at redemption is a cameo in a fucking Ryan Gosling movie. I'm not sure standing so close to Snyder is gonna help things.

So I was actually going to watch Les Miserables right after I publish this. Friday is drinking day and there is no way I can get through that shitty movie (which features Eddie Oscar thief Redmayne) sober. However...

After work today the screening of Ghost in the Shell fit perfectly which almost never happens - it started at the exact time I finish work, the cinema is 10 minutes away so I packed up my shit, said nice weekend bitches and left 10 minutes early to go to see it.

First of all, I fucking hate when they put trailers for horror films in front of films that aren't horrors. I don't go to see scary movies in the cinema, I rather see them at home where I have the control of volume. When you are there in the cinema you just sit there while that scary shit plays in front of you and you are defenseless. They attached the teaser for that new Annabelle movie in front of the flick and I was sitting there, alone, trying not to crap my favorite skirt I happened to be wearying today.

 That teaser - along with Jason Statham being all hot in that new Fast and Furious movie trailer - was actually far more exciting than Scarlett's latest. The music by Clint Mansell was fantastic, the visuals were cool and the actors did a good job - to my surprise Pilou Asbæk who was just awful in Game of Thrones was the MVP here - but holy hell, the story. I've never seen the original movie so I don't know how much you cared about characters there but here I didn't really care that much. There were things thrown in there to make them relatable - Pilou's character fed stray dogs so I immediately liked him (and by the way every time the dog was on screen I was worried something horrible was going to happen which fortunately didn't) - but it didn't really work and the film was forgettable. I gave it 6/10 but I'm definitely getting the soundtrack.

And also seeing a mediocre movie like that just made me appreciate Logan even more. I seriously doubt there is gonna be a better movie this year.

Therefore now being even more tired than I was after leaving work - that film was 100 minutes but man, did it feel longer than that - I cannot stand boo kangaroo all in tears with Eddie Redmayne lurking on the screen. So Real Steel it is.

 Allie reviews The Beauty and the Beast

While I eagerly await m.brown's review of Logan with hopefully tons of praise for boo kangaroo in it here is his violent trashing of The Girl on the Train 

Dell writes about Moonlight

Brittani and Flixchatter review Life

Keith writes about powerful Christine

Alex reviews Song to Song

Dan chooses 3 favorite period drama TV series 

sinekdoks reviews Ghost in the Shell 

Mark writes about terrific Eastern Promises

KG's movie rants reviews Bridesmaids

MettelRay is having a surgery so go wish her good luck!

Chris reviews Power Rangers

RELATED POSTS:

 (spoilers !!!)

The studio executives these days are becoming progressively dumber. I think we can all agree that the lead role in this movie went to Scarlett Johansson because the studio thought it needed star power to make the movie successful. Unless international box office saves it, Ghost in the Shell is a bomb. Scarlett, who is largely the most profitable actress on the planet due to her involvement in Marvel cinematic universe (where she really doesn't do much) is not the person who people go to see in the movies. I really, really love it that's it's Melissa McCarthy who is probably the biggest draw out of female actresses right now.

So the one reason they got Scarlett to do the movie backfired on them. This whole whitewashing controversy I was not behind at all, I understand how studios work and they made a reasonable assumption that they needed the star to make a successful movie. The film has actually a very diverse cast so other than the casting of Scarlett you cannot accuse the rest of the casting choices of whitewashing. However there is something so spectacularly dumb in the movie I cannot move past it.
When the Major's origin story is revealed we find out she actually used to be a Japanese woman. The company killed her and put her mind in a robotic body. There are so many things wrong with this. Was studio execs too ignorant or just didn't care that this is just handling the SJWs screaming 'whitewashing' the ammo?! There was absolutely no reason that the human form of the Major had to be Asian. By doing this, they literally put the whole whitewashing scandal in front of a viewer forcing the audience to watch the scene where the Japanese mother of a girl is talking to Caucasian chick who has her Japanese daughter's brain. It's just...unbelievably awkward.

Other than this the film is in a tricky place from the start. It's hard to make the audience care for AI. You have a child robot in AI and you have hosts in Westworld where you see them being abused, you care immediately about them and want them to have their revenge or at least happiness. But here Major is almost without emotion, she is a killing machine. The script awkwardly tries to add depth to her but it's too little and it's very clumsily done, such as a scene where major hires a prostitute and touches her face. We find out her human self was a rebel but it's never properly explored, we never get to know this character and it's very difficult to care about what she does and what happens to her.
Johansson is not a very strong actress. She is talented and she occasionally does very well, like in Match Point, but she doesn't have charisma and intensity of someone like Charlize Theron who can sell any role. Johansson attempts to do something here even if that something is awkward looking military walk, but her efforts aren't enough to make this a compelling watch.

The rest of the cast varies from forgettable to good. Michael Pitt shows up as the main villain and he doesn't really do much and is handed a completely incomprehensible plot of 'human network' that would allow him to 'live on'. Juliette Binoche makes the most out of the part of a doctor who is taking care of Major. But it's Pilou Asbaek who really steals the show as Major's colleague and ally Batou. He is so much fun to watch and actually manages to give his scenes some energy. There is also a subplot where Batou is feeding stray dogs which was a good idea - it immediately makes you care for the character. I actually did care about Batou and the dogs so much more than all the others in the movie combined.
Where the film really manages to score some points it's the terrific look and ambiance of it. The multicultural, digitally enhanced setting really brings Blade Runner to mind while the terrific score by Clint Mansell (which doesn't even have a release date set!) - easily the best thing about the movie - creates dense, fascinating atmosphere. The action scenes are cool and the robotic geisha is such a cool and creepy design but the director Rupert Sanders yet again proves how inept he is at his job - the jarring mixture of slow motion and fast cuts rarely works and the action sequences could have been so much better if they were handled by someone more capable.

Overall the film is far from being a disaster and with a run time under 2 hours it's worth seeing for the music and visuals alone. I haven't seen the original anime so I cannot speak just how superior it is to 2017 movie but the script could have been much better here and the ideas and characters definitely deserved far more exploration than they received here.

Ghost in the Shell (2017, USA, 107 min)
Plot: In the near future, Major is the first of her kind: A human saved from a terrible crash, who is cyber-enhanced to be a perfect soldier devoted to stopping the world's most dangerous criminals.
Director: Rupert Sanders
Writers: Masamune Shirow (based on the comic 'The Ghost in the Shell'), Jamie Moss, William Wheeler and Ehren Kruger (screenplay)
Stars: Scarlett Johansson, Pilou Asbæk, Takeshi Kitano

This is gonna be short(er) RF because I am exhausted. I have my 5 days off for Easter soon but when I woke up today half dead and then had another charming day where by the 9 AM I was fantasizing of raging fire starting in my office and annihilating it all, myself included, I figured I need to take a day off tomorrow too. So RF on Thursday your time this week and since it's usually Friday that brings gossip and news this is mostly gonna be focused on...well, the usual. 

What is up with the few comments lately? I sat my ass down and wrote, awful and half-baked Ghost in the Shell review and only 3 of you guys wrote something. Guys, come on. Encourage me to write more. Otherwise this entire blog is gonna be just something that will be evidence in the court of law when Ed Harris and/or Hugh Jackman inevitably sue me.

Seriously I'm such a nice person who routinely tweets awesome stuff to brighten people's days. Here are the pictures of boo kangaroo I tweeted this week:

#toogoodforthisworld #toopure #Ienvythatslide

On Saturday I was almost killed while watching Real Steel:

OH MY GOD.

I was really rooting for Evangeline Lily. Not so much the character but the actress. There is this scene where he has his shirt off and stars charming her and I swear to God that woman didn't know what to do with herself. She started giggling, she was trying not to make an eye contact with him - I assume, in order not to die - and she was just so smitten. I wonder if this was actually in the script or they simply couldn't calm her down and had no choice but to put that take in the movie.

She still did well, I mean if I were in that scene with him the building they shot that scene in would still be flooded.

And that was shot in 2010.

...

.....

.......

I don't know how much more of this man I can handle.

I really may just stop living soon. First this happened and then this happened (1,2).  Japan is so lucky. Although I'm glad he is not coming to Poland. First of all our air here is terrible and he shouldn't be breathing this shit. And second of all, as evidenced by this series of posts, there are some truly fucked up people here.

So I rewatched X2:

The second a scene is dark I KNOW it's gonna be Jackman sleeping and moaning and grunting. 

I had so much fun rewatching that film on the hellish day of Monday. That moment near the end where he is carrying that barefoot kid and yet instead leaving him in the jet with others he proceeds to carry him towards Brian Cox who is chained and he has his showdown with him....I was like, dude, why did you bring that child there?!

on Tuesday and Wednesday (that is one long movie) I watched Days of Future Past which was way too long and contrived but good lord did he look amazing there. Also James McAvoy's acting was fantastic. And there were so many funny moments. And of course there was this:

 This is an extremely accurate representation of what I looked like when the above happened...and for the next 5 minutes because I just couldn't close my mouth:

Also take a look at that girl's arm there in the first image. And his arm. I was mesmerized and frightened at the same time watching this. If his arm is the size of, I'm assuming, her thigh, then her arm must be the size of...

*giggles for 15 minutes*

Let's just carry on.

We need gifs here don't we?

OH WE DO (and if you click on them you can view...bigger size):

I NEED

TO BUILD

A SHRINE

(also man, fuck these 6 people who didn't found that piece of trivia interesting. Godless blind prudes!)

I thought Hugh heading to Vegas for CinemaCon with The Greatest Showman footage last week meant the production on this one wrapped up but it didn't! My God, they have been shooting this film since last fall and this right here is Hugh and Michelle Williams on the set on Saturday. Just blows my mind how long it's taking them to shoot it and it premiers in 8 months. 

Jonathan Ross doing God's work on his show:

 How coy he is! "I wish it was Hugh Jackman". Sir, we all saw those beach photos.  Stop being so impossibly cute and lying in such an adorable way. That potato wishes it was Hugh Jackman

I ENVY THAT WATER:

 Bye ovaries.

 (I'm assuming the kid looks scared because his mom is taking the picture and going like this)

So Ghost in the Shellflopped and will most likely loose a shit ton of money. And yet I see some people going 'aw poor ScarJo if she were on twitter she'd get so much abuse'. What the hell?! 

It's not like someone forced her to do the movie. She got 10-12 million bucks for it, as Deadline estimates. And let's not forget she played Hugh's lover in not one but TWO movies.

I mean this chick goes to work where she is paid millions of dollars and she actually gets to make out with this guy. And maybe they go oh no! the lenses in the camera overheated and exploded because he is so hot and we need to shoot it again so she ends up doing that several times. As a job. As in she does if for a living. Jesus!

Would you like to know what I did in my job this week? Of course not, but I'll tell you anyways.

 I spent 4 hours this week reading about place of contract (you'd think it's obvious and yet you'd be wrong). Learned fuck all, it was boring and that was just Monday. It was only worse and worse with each day.

 The best thing about this is that people are remembering Stepmom now and by extension how hot Ed Harris is (as evidenced by several of the comments there, none of which is mine by the way). Also the alternative idea for that proposal scene written in this article is something I'd say a yes to as well.

Some news about Mother!. Apparently it's going to be a thriller movie. I'm oping JLaw gets whacked halfway through and I don't need to suffer through her on the screen. Oh my God if Harris is the one who kills her I'd be soooo happy.

 Meanwhile Alec Baldwin has a biography out and I wonder if I should read it because maybe there are some juicy Ed Harris stories from Glengarry Glenn Ross set (Dammit Brittani! WATCH IT ALREADY!). There is so much drama about this book. This twitter feud is amazing. Grown ass men acting like morons. Publicly. At least I'm acting like moron on a little known website and out of love not hate. That is...noble.

 Daniel Craig, the master negotiator, is probably gonna do another Bond movie and God one knows how much money he managed to get with his 'I don't want your fucking money' maneuver. Daniel's little play normally wouldn't work but there is literally no one else right now who could play that part so they are stuck with him. Unless maybe Dan Stevens would be a good choice?

 Although....maybe there is still hope for Idris? I think the initial 'arguments' against him as Bond were: he is "too street"(fuck off!), he is "too old" (please) and The Dark Tower is being set for multiple movies. Well, hold your horses on that last one, because this thing looks like a train wreck. that leaked trailer was awful, the release date keeps getting changed, there is still no official trailer released. Idris! Run away from that mess and become our 007. 

Speaking of no trailers being released the trailers for The Greatest Showman, Kingsman 2 and Blade Runner 2049 from CinemaCon are still not here and I'm dying. 

Trash that abuses pets gets book deals now.

Mel Gibson and Mark Wahlbergare shooting a movie together. That is a whole lot of...terrible in one place at the same time.

Alexander Skarsgardis worried that he may never get cast again after Big Little Lies. Yes, cause this is what happens to handsome, talented, connected white dudes in Hollywood. They just disappear like the last hooker the dudes above hired, don't they?

Christian Balemay be playing Dick Cheney in the new Adam McKay movie.  Steve Carell is also in talks. All would be great...if not for Amy Adams who also may be joining the project.

New Alien: Covenantposter is an embarrassment of massive proportions but at least the TV spots, especially this one are cool.

This lady is just fabulous. 

J-boohas been nominated for his work as the Joker for MTV Movie Awards - Best Villain award  along with Negan and Demogorgon. If that's not prestigious, I don't know what is.

Logan also got several nominations including the one for Hugh for Best Actor! Yey! He has never won before. What the fuck, MTV?! Also Hugh is up for best duo with Dafne Keen. If they don't win I'll vomit and dive into it.

Brad Pittgiving intense homeless silver fox vibes at the movie's he produced, that I'm too lazy to read about and don't give a shit about the title, premiere last night.

I saw Memories of Murder last weekend and that was a decent flick but I heard from three different people it was better than Se7en. Whatever they were on while they saw it and thought that must have been something really strong. The film is barely above Zodiac, it's good, but come on, Se7en is a masterpiece.

I caught up with the latest two episodes of Feud and they were so good. Everyone is talking about Lange, Sarandon and Davis but can we just talk a bit about how amazing Jackie Hoffman (Mamacita) and Alison Wright (Pauline) are? I loved that scene where they talk about how there are already less men than women in the context of women being the ones who will dictate the terms soon. The sad thing is that here we are, 55 years later, and shit is still the same.

Nope, haven't seen the last episodes of Big Little Lies yet. Since I'm about to enjoy my 3 day long weekend I'll do my best to watch them.

Brittani reviews The Edge of Seventeen

MettelRay shares top 10 fandoms from her past

Allie writes about her love for Liar Liar

Keith reviews The Lobster

Ruth shares news about her short movie 

Chris lists some of the...unusual films that ended up in his top 10 of the year lists

Jordan reviews The Lego Batman Movie 

Dell shares his favorite flicks featuring cars

 and at last m.brown reviews my love, my pain, my only one - Logan. This is a truly fantastic review and you all should move your sexy asses to read it asap especially that not only does he make a hilarious assumption I'd hire Logan to DRIVE me but also because his wife made a comment that, at least 5 times this week when I randomly remembered it, made me gasp, shake my head and just fall into utter disbelief. Good lord how do you not want to tend to his wounds, feed him strawberries and you know...everything else?

And finally apparently instead of enjoying a truly bad movie but the one which has actual porn with Hughster - there is no other word suitable for that water bucket scene - tonight my lovely twitter followers and readers want to see me livetweet Aronofsky's masterpiece while I'm drunk and in tears. So as soon as this post goes live, stay tuned. RELATED POSTS:

Best Ensemble:The Witch (2. Manchester by the Sea 3.The Neon Demon 4. Hell or High Water 5.The Handmaiden))
Best director:Robert Eggers, The Witch (2. Chan Park-Wok, The Handmaiden 3. David Mackenzie, Hell or High Water 4. Nicolas Winding Refn, The Neon Demon 5. James Wan, The Conjuring 2)
 Best adapted screenplay:The Handmaiden (2.Love and Friendship 3.Deadpool)
Best original screenplay:Hell or High Water (2. Manchester by the Sea 3. The Witch, 4.The Nice Guys 5. Eddie the Eagle)
Best music:The Handmaiden (2. Jackie 3.Hacksaw Ridge 4. Hell or High Water 5. The Neon Demon)) 
Best use of song:Eddie the Eagle- Van Halen, Jump
Best Original song:Twenty One Pilots, Heathens(Suicide Squad) (2. Hozier, Better Love (Legend of Tarzan) 3. X Ambassadors, Unsteady (Me Before You))
Best track:The Demon Dance, The Neon Demon
Best sound:The Neon Demon (2. The Conjuring 2 3. Arrival)
Best costumes:The Handmaiden (2. The Neon Demon 3. The Love Witch 4. Nocturnal Animals 5.The Nice Guys)
Best production design:The Handmaiden (2.The Love Witch 3.The Nice Guys 4. The Neon Demon 5. The Witch) 
Best cinematography: The Handmaiden (2.The Neon Demon3. Hell or High Water 4.The Witch 5. The Love Witch)
Best editing:The Handmaiden (2. The Neon Demon 3. Hell or High Water 4.The Witch, 5.Hacksaw Ridge)
Best visual effects:The Conjuring 2 (2.Deadpool 3.Doctor Strange)
Biggest Disappointment:  Arrival (2.Suicide Squad 3. Nocturnal Animals)
Worst Performance by an Actress:Amy Adams in both Arrival and Nocturnal Animals
Worst Performance by an Actor: Jesse Eisenberg, BvS
Most Overhyped:Arrival 
Worst Movie of the Year:Grimsby 
Underrated:  The Handmaiden 
Best Scene of the year: Destroying the books, The Handmaiden (2. The ending, The Neon Demon 3.Final shootout, Hell or High Water 4. The discovery of the corpse, The Nice Guys 5. "I can't let you freak out with the doors closed", Manchester by the Sea 6. Katherine explains why she was gone from the office, Hidden Figures 7. Christine yells at her boss, Christine 8. ending, The Witch 
Funniest scene: Discovery of the corpse, The Nice Guys (2..Bobby telling the criminals to fuck off, Nocturnal Animals 3. Bronson reacts to Eddie's announcement that he will jump 90 meters, Eddie the Eagle 4, Carrying Bridget to the hospital, Bridget Jones's Baby)
"You Never Can Tell" award for the best dance scene:La La Landopening
The most I cried during the movie:  Lion 
The most shocking scene:The first twist in The Handmaiden(2. The eye, The Neon Demon 3. What happens to the the baby, The Witch 4. the partner's death, Hell or High Water)
Best Kiss: The Handmaiden
Best Fight:Captain America: Civil War
Best Chemistry:Taron Egerton and Hugh Jackman, Eddie the Eagle (2. the protagonists of The Handmaiden 3. Crowe and Gosling, The Nice Guys 4. The women of Hidden Figures) 
Best Quote:  "It's OK. I tricked you too", The Handmaiden (2. "No I didn't, Janet. I found it very useful actually. Ok, Janet? ", The Nice Guys, 3. "There are so many fucking rules now. “Go to your kid’s baseball games. Tell your kids you love ’em. Don’t fuck the janitor at your kid’s school.” I mean, what the fuck is this? Russia?", Bad Moms 4. "Are you interested in hearing about these robberies or are you just gonna sit there and let the Alzheimer’s run its course?", Hell or High Water 5. "Wouldst thou like to live deliciously?", The Witch)
Best Line delivery:  "Fuck off. both of you", Nocturnal Animals (2. "Your sister's such a slut", The Nice Guys 3."Ah...FUCK!" , Manchester by the Sea4. "I ate her", The Neon Demon) 
Best comedy performance of the year: Ryan Gosling, The Nice Guys (2. Kathryn Hahn, Bad Moms 3.Tom Bennet, Love and Friendship 4. Ryan Reynolds, Deadpool)
Best performance under 20 minutes of screentime:So-ri Moon, The Handmaiden 
Sweetest scene of the year:Kevin Costner ending racism with a crowbar,Hidden Figures
The Conjuring 2
Best Ending:The Handmaiden(2. The Witch, 3. The Neon Demon) 
The Lisbeth Salander favorite hero award goes to: The women of Hidden Figures
The Joker favorite villain award goes to: Sarah, The Neon Demon
The Fly award for the single most disgusting thing in a movie goes to: The Eyeball, The Neon Demon
Pussy Wagon travel in style award goes to:Bronson's car, Eddie the Eagle
Tub Scene award for the hottest sexy scene of the year goes to:  The first sex scene in The Handmaiden
"I blacked out for a moment there' reaction for the hottest character of the year goes to: Hugh Jackman as Bronson Peary wearying tight jeans and you know, existing on screen in Eddie the Eagle
JJ Abrams award for most shattering moment in film goes to:When we find out what happened to Lee, Manchester by the Sea
Amy Dunne award for the most influential haircut goes to: Sarah's braids in The Neon Demon
"Am I high or did it actually happen?" question for the most ridiculous movie moment goes to: Amy Adams talking to Aliens with English subtitles, Arrival (2. MARTHA scene, BvS 3. Every single Enchantress scene, Suicide Squad)
The Jar Jar binks facepalm gesture statute for the most annoying character of the year goes to: I think we need to give it to David Ayer. He is not a movie character but fuck, does he deserve it.
Matthias Schoenaerts' characters in 2015 (in the films people actually saw) RUN award goes to: Ben Affleck and the DCEU.
"I wish it was a dream" award for the single dumbest plot manuever goes to: Everything surrounding the development of Suicide Squad
Flaming dog poo and eternal shame goes to:WB for what they done to Jared-boo, to me, to DC fans and to the humanity.
Tree of Life bucket of coffee award for the most boring movie of the year goes to:Arrival

*(this isn't just a reference to the new Thor trailer....but I trust you, dear readers, have been reading this series long enough to realize this as soon as you saw this title).

Last week was a relatively short RF. Well, make some coffee, people. Or have a shot of vodka. Or inject heroin in your eyeballs or whatever it is you do to endure this stupidity.

Cause this is gonna be as long as it is gonna be pervy. I'm not a Catholic so....forgive me for all of this kinky shit on Good Friday if you are.

Before we begin, though - there is some serious bullshit happening with the gifs linked from tumblr on blogger so I actually had to start uploading all of that stuff directly here. The gifs in posts between the fall 2015 till fall 2016 are a mess. I wonder how long till something fucks up and actual content starts disappearing? That's Google for ya, This is infuriating. Well, I keep backing up and I'm sure Harris and Jackman's lawyers have a copy of this website too so never fear. The RFs from this year should all be working fine cause I went back and re-uploaded gifs. That was a good use of 2 evenings.

So on Friday I started watching The Fountain, which I finished on Saturday.  I also rewatched Australia and The Prestige (for the second time in 1 month). Behold the madness:

Australia was like 2 different movies in one. First they chased that cattle across the land, then Hugh shaved and put on a tux and the entire party froze when he arrived (which was the most realistic moment in the movie). Then he finally banged Kidman and it could really end there. But nope, they had to incorporate the war! So then he left and then there was a fake out that she died and then he saved some kids as he usually does in his movies (to bring me to the brink of death)...seriously the film was a mess. Essie Davis and Ben Mendelsohn were there in supporting roles and they were really good but Hugh was the best thing about this movie. 

And of course there was this:

I like that vein there.

It's like a pathway.

...

.....

......

But anyways...

The Fountain is such a beautiful movie. I almost lost my shit when his voice broke and he yelled 'she is going to be dead by then'. That is such a wonderful performance...of a man married to a suicidal moron who is married to THIS and goes 'it's OK if I die...I'm gonna be a tree'. No, no, I kid. It's all really beautiful and profound but it's just hard to believe anyone would willingly accept death while being married to this guy. 

I'd crawl out of my grave, you guys.

The Prestige is just such a masterpiece and every time I watch it this guy just breaks my heart. Look at this acting:

oh my God. 

So precious. 

So wonderful. 

If you could see the look on my face, sir...

(...you'd call the cops).

On Sunday it was X Men day again as I put myself through The Last Stand:

There is this scene near the end where Phoenix is annihilating everything with her energy and his shirt comes off, even his skin starts coming off (and regenerating) but his PANTS STAYED ON. That was the dumbest thing I've seen. This week.

Also this is the second time when I witnessed him kill a woman who loves him and then hold her shirtless as he is crying. And the second time that woman didn't even get to bang him first. If this is not depressing, than I don't know what is.

On Tuesday it was the time to sit through 150 minutes of X Men: Apocalypse just to see Hugh's 5 minute long cameo. But within first 15 minutes it turned ou that Magneto was hiding in - get his - Poland - so I was laughing my ass off:

Ridiculous depiction of Poland as the place where:

1. you can run into a man who is as hot as Fassbender 

2.  forests are filled with playful animals and not something I have to protect my Yorkie and myself from 

3. there is competent Police which shows up to apprehend a suspect within 24 hours

aside, Fassbender's attempts at speaking Polish were laughable. It's not his fault, it's a very difficult language and he is half Irish half German but good God was I laughing so much.

And then this happened:

Yes, it was the best scene in the movie.

I read this as "P" instead of "T" and shouted YES. 

Also I focused on his nipples and didn't even notice the amount of balls.

(that is the dirtiest thing I've written here...well, let's keep trying to top that)

I need you to take a moment now. 

Take a deep breath. 

Breathe. Before you witness the following:

Ladies and gentlemen I have shared a lot of great things here. But what I'm about to share is *excited noises*

In 2011 Hugh had some sort of show in Toronto. One of the girls there held a sign that said come to the wedding Hugh. He pulled her on stage, sat her down and gave her a lap dance.

It's exactly what it sounds like. 

And yes, there is a video of it:

To be fair I'd be scared near the end there. 

You can't just shove something this huge in front of woman's face without giving her a warning

(and yes that is the first thing the title of this RF's is cleverly referencing. Is 'cleverly' the right word here?)

You need like....a written consent. 

And you need her to write a will. Just in case.

Here he is laughing adorably and feeding a kangaroo:

He also celebrated 21 YEARS of marriage this week. 21! 

I'm so impressed ,

And not in the least bit jealous.

*that's a lie*

So to sum up:

That man is out there being an awesome husband but also giving women lap dances and feeding kangaroos. 

Lap dances...

...and feeding kangaroos. 

I don't know how to deal with any of this. I'm not equipped to handle this. I am just gonna accidentally watch that lap dance video again.

In between all of....this I managed to watch Hacksaw Ridge last weekend (in order to finish my Best and Worst list so check it out if you haven't yet). I thought it was extremely well done. Mel is a pig but he is a damn good director who make movies with reasonable budget and in reasonable time - the battle scenes which took half of the movie were shot in just 19 days. The music was spectacular, the acting was very good and Vince Vaughn's character was hysterical. 

Thor: Ragnarok trailer dropped and it's probably the best MCU (not to be confused with the entirety of Marvel which includes Logan and Logan wins in everything) trailer ever. It's certainly the one that I've seen most times. Who would have thought that they will do something like this with what is essentially Apocalypse story? But Taika Waititi is magic and there are some seriously awesome campy vibes all over this trailer and a fantastic choice of Immigrant Song (the original) for the score. Some people are complaining about the song choice! Just listen to the lyrics people! And there is Cate Blanchett as someone who hopefully is finally a great Marvel villain - Hela. She looks amazing. I have been using black eyeliner and crayon this whole week, you guys. 

The only thing that looks mediocre is Tessa Thompson as hilariously PC Valkyrie. Thompson proved just how bland she can be in Westworld so let's just hope there's not enough of her in this movie to bring the quality down.

Josh Brolin who plays Thanos in MCU (aka the dude I have no idea why I'm supposed to give a damn about and who looks terrible make-up-wise) will also be Cable in Deadpool 2. I wish it was Michael Shannon who got the part. First of all Brolin is a wife beater. Second of all Shannon being in this would guarantee the promo tour would be a laugh riot. Reynolds' jokes aren't this good and as in Deadpool only some of those land. 

I said it before and I will say it again - this guy does not have a big dick so I don't see what's all the fuss about.

Jude Lawwill play younger Dumbledore in Fantastic Beasts movies. This series is tragic. Eddie Redmayne is the lead. They had Colin Farrell to balance this awfulness in the first movie but they ditched him for bloated Johnny 9 Digits. And now there's Law. Between Depp's and his teeth situation...this is just not good.

Mark Hamill slaughtering people's feels -->

Hated Hurt Locker. Hated Zero Dark Thirty. So you all keep on shouting how Detroitis gonna win all the Oscars I'm just here going 'oh yeah? The Greatest Showman takes Best Picture". 

I'm not sure you guys know who Tyrese Gibson is. It's OK, because you really shouldn't. He is an actor who is in The Fast and The Furious movies. But more importantly - he is also a moron. This is his legendary post from August 2016 posted amidst that fake or just very petty and stupid (is there a difference?) The Rock/Diesel feud. But this week Tyrese had this to say. 

First of all, why do men do this? Why do they feel the need to tell women how to live? Or how much traffic women should allow in their vaginas? But second of all, what the hell is he saying? That when a woman is single it is because she knows her value? Dude, I'm single because I work in a place where there are no eligible men and I am too tired to go out after work to find any. Unless God is actually out there as this moron seems to claim and God himself blows the roof off my house and throws a guy through there and that guy lands on me, this single lady ain't getting any traffic there any time soon.

Timothy Olyphant almost played the guy Vin Diesel is playing in those movies. That's a shame, if he was in it I'd might have watched more of those than just the ones with Statham in it. 

Some people in actual real life tried to use the plot of Manchester by the Sea to cover up the killing of their child. 

Vin, in addition to lacking charisma, lacks any shame. Apparently he had the producers remove The Rock and Statham's scene near the end of the new movie because...the audience loved it too much. Statham even said on the red carpet their best scenes didn't make it into the movie.

The first teaser for The Last Jedidropped so it's exciting Easter for the nerds - watching instead of doing...whatever it is that people do for Easter. I liked Ragnarok trailer over this one but it's still really great and I really like the poster.

It's yet another shitty week for Batfleck. 

Make up free photo of Sofia Vergara. Just pointing out to lovely gentlemen readers - if women in your lives were given the same stylists and make up artists they would all look just as good if not better than these movie stars.

They are makingDownton Abbey movie. Fuck knows why they're doing it, but Dowager Countess is in it so I'm psyched.

The first pictures from Kingsman 2have arrived! We also got some cool details about the story in that EW piece. The photos showing up mean the trailer is coming soon!

Here's the line up for this year's Cannes film festival. I care more about that disgusting, sexist poster where they retouched Cardinale than about this. The only things that interest me there are The Beguiled and Twin Peaks revival, of which the first two episodes will be shown there. 

Yet another awful poster for Alien: Covenant

Charlie Hunnamis the worst. I so wish this chick had foursome with three extremely well endowed dudes during this time, took a racy video of it and played it for him. He deserves it.

Anthony Hopkinsis out there comparing Bay to Scorsese. Sir, you were in Westworld. You can't say shit like that.

And finally, we are now at the place where all that is left for me to watch on boo kangaroo madness marathon is some early stuff before Hugh came to Hollywood, Pan, Movie 43 (which I just can't...I maintain this one he only did because he got hit with too many panties in his face and decided he needs to do something to repel those women), something called Butter, that Oscars ceremony he hosted and of course the rewatch of Les Mis. 

So what I'm saying is that I'll probably watch The Prestige again this weekend.

For the second time this month I announced on twitter that I'll rewatch Les Mis after I publish RF but thank you shady streaming sites (this is Poland and we can stream things legally here no matter how shady the source, but what price do we pay with our fucked up fauna and awful men as you were informed above):

a change of plans because I'm about to rewatch Logan. I think we all spent the last 34 days wondering what would have happened if I could actually livetweet Logan and verbalize the thoughts that were violently occurring in my mind as I watched this beautiful man in all of his tired, a bit homeless, please let me tend your wounds and feed you strawberries, sir, bearded glory. 

Well, we are about to witness all of this unfold. 

So what I am saying is that by this time tomorrow I may be arrested. 

Or dead.

Eclectic Scribe lists top 14 narcissistic movie characters

Keith reviews Jane's Got a Gun

Alex listes 71 things he loves about There will be Blood

Dell, Dan and MettelRay pick 3 movies involving rivalries

Brittani reviews Trainspotting 2

Allie is pregnant so go over there and congratulate her! 

Flixchatter reviews Gifted

Jay lists top 10 movie scars

m.brown reviews Office Christmas Party

and finally over at Adrian vs the World the single best piece on Logan I've read so far

RELATED POSTS:

Ed Harris has been giving us wonderful performances in films and television for more than 40 years. It kills me that most of them go unnoticed, in spite of him being a familiar face to so many movie fans because of his appearances in films like The Hours, Truman Show, A Beautiful Mind or Apollo 13. That's why, as I am getting close to having seen all of his movies, I decided to write about each and every single one of his performances he gave since his movie debut (excluding his voice performances). It was not always easy to find those films, sometimes I only had youtube or video ripped from VHS to go by, but somehow I managed to find them all.

I will focus on his roles since his feature film debut but also include the ones in TV movies and TV series. That's altogether - in 39 years - 76 performances and that's not including his stage work.

In this first (out of 4) post I will look at the years 1978 - 1992 and 20 performances Ed Harris gave during that time from his very first role on the big screen that was just one minute long through him playing medieval performers, astronauts, abusive husbands, ordinary guys meeting underwater aliens and frustrated working men.

Coma (1978) - Pathology Resident #2

This is Harris's feature film debut. The film stars Genevieve Bujod and Michael Douglas in lead roles. Bujod's character starts suspecting there is something going on in the hospital they are working in as patients suddenly slip into coma in mysterious circumstances. At one point of the movie she talks to pathology residents - one of them played by Harris. They inform her of the best ways to kill a person and the glee and humor Harris puts in his extremely short performance here suggests that had it been longer he would have stolen the show. Even in such short screen time he manages to be memorable.

Borderline (1980) - Hotchkiss

First big role for Harris. I'm not sure how familiar people are with the kind of films Charles Bronson did, but well, this is a typical one - it's an action flick filled with shooting scenes and not much of plot. Harris plays the bad guy here and this is the first time he had a chance to show his menacing side. It's a really great performance, especially considering that this is only his second time on the big screen and he is on the screen for fairly brief amount of time.

Knightriders (1981) - Billy

Thrice in the 80s Ed starred in movies so bizarre I genuinely had trouble to write about them here. Yet it is perhaps in those films where he had the best opportunities to show his range (another ones being Creepshow and Walker). There are truly several weird entries in his resume but Romero's Knighrtriders has to be seen to be believed. The trailer alone is surreal. This is actually Ed's first leading role and he carries the hell out of this 2,5 hour long movie. He plays a delusional medieval jouster and performer, leader of the troupe travelling on motorcycles, but somehow there is such sensitivity and thoughtfulness to his work here. He grounds his bizarre character in reality which is truly an incredible accomplishment.

Creepshow (1982)- Hank Blaine

Second collaboration between Harris and George Romero. Ed has a very brief role here and is on the screen for only few moments but he still delivers something memorable - this ridiculous dance scene, which is perhaps the most unforgettable scene in the whole movie.

Under Fire (1983) - Oates

Harris doesn't have a lot of scenes in this movie but as usual he totally owns the movie. He plays Oates, a mercenary who goes whenever he has to and kills whoever the people who pay him want dead. It's not that he is without scruples, it's that during the time of war he thinks everything is allowed because it's total mayhem and if you don't kill, someone is gonna kill you. Even though the subject matter is so serious and his character does a lot of horrible things, Harris still plays the part with so much charm and levity.

The Right Stuff (1983) - John Glenn

I think this right here could be considered Ed's breakthrough role. The movie was successful and even won few Oscars and Harris, beautifully, portrayed the part of the famous astronaut John Glenn. He is so charming, sweet and lovely in this role. The film is over 3 hours long and has all together terrific ensemble but the moment that was a true stand out for me was when Glenn's wife called him to tell him she is not comfortable letting the vice president in their home. Glenn assured her not to do anything she doesn't want to and then after hanging up yelled like crazy at his boss for thinking he can make his wife do something she doesn't want. It's this mix of sweetness and fury that only Ed Harris can do so damn well. Fun bit - he auditioned twice for the role. It was in fact Harris who insisted on the second audition because he felt his first reading of the part wasn't good enough. After the second reading, he got the part. See, this isn't the guy who is content to just get the part. This is the guy who always wants to get it right.

Swing Shift (1984) - Jack Walsh

Well, there is no way not to mention (since it's me and this is my website) the fact that MPAA completely overlooked the fact that when he sat down in an early scene, whilst wrapped in only a towel, you could see...all of it. That was actually out there, in theaters, right there in the film until it was...concealed in later releases of the film. Ed plays a guy who goes off to war and in the meantime his wife must cope with sudden loneliness and the necessity to support herself without her husband's help. She gets a job and unfortunately for her husband, a lover. Harris is not in the movie much but the balance of heartbreak, rage but also understanding and pride he strikes while he confronts his wife about her living on her own and her cheating is unforgettable. He is so very human in this moment. This is one of the things he does so well - people he plays don't feel like characters, they simply feel like people.

Places in the Heart (1984) - Wayne Lomax

In this hugely uneven but acclaimed movie that brought Sally Field her second Oscar, Ed plays a husband of Field's character sister. He has an affair with a married woman (played by Amy Madigan, his wife in real life). It's a beautiful work and even though he plays a cheating bastard when he is remorseful you really believe in his remorse. His last scene in the movie where he is finally forgiven by his wife is so beautiful because of his truly heartbreaking acting. Also a lovely piece of trivia: one day during the making of the movie him and Madigan simply run away from the set for a bit and got married in a the nearby courthouse and the only guest was their dog,

A Flash of Green (1984) - Jimmy Wing

A Flash of Green is an environmental thriller with Harris playing the lead role of a small town reporter who accepts the bribe and comes to regret it. Usually environmental thrillers are big in scale and involve some sort of dramatic plot points like international conspiracy or murder but here because of the setting it is all confided within the boundaries of a small town, which makes the film very refreshing. Harris didn't get to play a lot of lead roles in his career, usually being the supporting actor, but this film shows that he is perfectly able to carry the movie all on his own.

Alamo Bay (1985) - Shang

I saw the movie yesterday and it's absolutely awful. The intent behind the story is noble as it talks of important things - after Vietnam war a lot of Vietnamese people were relocated to US where they clashed with the inhabitants who didn't see them as people who needed help, but people who were there to take their jobs. In Texas, Shang, played by Harris, tries to make a living fishing shrimp, as most of the little town's inhabitants do. He also has an affair with Glory (Amy Madigan), in spite of being married  and having  three children. Very soon Shang and Glory find themselves on opposite sides - Shang wants to run the immigrants of the town and Glory wants to help them. It's a rare movie where Harris is not the one to give the best performance - it's his wife out acting him in every single scene. Also there is a lovely, sexy dance scene between the two that almost made the film worth seeing. Harris and Madigan made a lot of movies together and for me it's always so fascinating to see the people who love each other in real life put themselves through some truly horrible scenes in movies. Here Harris gets to yell "communist c*nt!" after his own wife while she gets to - spoiler alert! - shoot him in the film's ending. Yet they are such wonderful actors you believe all of it.

Code Name: Emerald (1985) - Gus Lang

First movie in which Ed starred opposite Max von Sydow. Harris plays a double agent posing as a Reich sympathizer, who is planted in a prison where an prisoner, one of a handful of U.S. soldiers who knows the location of the impending D-Day invasion is held. His mission is to rescue the prisoner while constantly hiding his real loyalties. It's a great lead role, that said, young Eric Stoltz is very good as the prisoner. Ed has so much to do here - maneuvering the duplicitous plot, side story of a romance with a woman who is pretending to be his fiance and slowly developing compassion for Stoltz' character. It's not a particularly memorable film but it's very atmospheric and worth seeing for Harris' performance.

Sweet Dreams (1985) - Charlie Dick

Gun to my head, this is the best performance Ed Harris has ever given. The film follows Patsy Cline's (Jessica Lange) career as a singer but in equally large part it shows her turbulent marriage to Charlie Dick, played by Harris. He gets to do so many things here - and most impressively he blends the two qualities he pulls off effortlessly - charming and intense. There are so many performances he gave where he only has the opportunity to be either/or with these things, and so many where he only fleetingly gets to mix one with the other, but here they are balanced out throughout the entire film. His Charlie goes from villain to a victim, from intimidating to vulnerable from scene to scene and the entire movie you know you should condemn him, but you just can't (here's an entire post about this performance).

The Last Innocent Man (1987) - Harry Nash

In this TV movie made for HBO Harris plays a successful attorney who as it occasionally happens, falls in love with his client who hired him to defend her husband, who is accused of committing murder. The story is not hugely unique or surprising but Harris carries the movie so well and even though he doesn't play a particularly likable character his charm and charisma are enough to keep you interested. And he is an absolute rock star when it comes to those courtroom speeches and questioning scenes you often see in films like this.

Walker (1987) - William Walker

This truly bizarre film, which was a massive failure and led to the director practically being blacklisted for the rest of his career, is based on the life story of William Walker (1824–1860), the American filibuster who invaded Mexico in the 1850s and made himself President of Nicaragua shortly thereafter. But make no mistake, it's unlike any other based on true events movies you see, filled with bizarre anachronisms, some of the worst shooting scenes in film's history and even moments of cannibalism. Apparently to get into character, Ed Harris led the entire cast in a 10-mile forced march through the Nicaraguan countryside. The actor was drawn to the challenge of playing someone "who has incredible moral convictions but turns into such an evil person in the name of spreading democracy." He was also drawn to the script's politics, claiming to be anti-Contra and anti-intervention in Nicaragua and saw making a film there as a way to possibly stop the bloodshed. * While I'm fairly certain this is the movie that only hardcore Ed Harris' fans will sit through, this is one of his best performances. He plays a horrible person but also a totally unpredictable one and the fact the film throws him in such campy and bizarre territory only heightens the unpredictability of Ed Harris, the actor - when you watch him on the screen, you never know what he is about to do.

To Kill a Priest (1987) - Stefan

It's surreal that just before Ed Harris appeared in James Cameron's blockbuster he also showed up in Agnieszka Holland's movie about the event in Polish history that I'm sure not many other people than my fellow countrymen know about. I still don't know how it happened, how he found out about this film or how Holland approached him. Harris plays an officer who is obsessed with imprisoning or simply getting rid of the priest (Christopher Lambert) who is rallying up the Polish people to fight for their freedom under the Communist rule. It's a very good movie, unfortunately the casting is so problematic here because Harris blows Lambert off the screen completely, in the effect making the villain of the picture so much more fascinating to watch and far more complex and empathetic than the intended hero.

Jacknife (1989) - Dave

In this drama about war veterans Robert De Niro stars as Megs, eccentric and volatile guy who doesn't have that much trouble with adjusting to life after the war. He does occasionally break the window with his bare hands, but his problems seem to end there. But Dave, Megs' friend who fought with him, can barely cope with life, looking for forgiveness and peace in the bottle. Harris gives another show stealing performance as his Dave is such a mixture of sadness, the desire to be left alone and the panic and fear ready to get out, waiting to erupt and resurface. When Megs starts dating Dave's shy sister the tensions only keep rising and while the script isn't the best, Harris still does whatever he can with the material. This is one of those movies that is worth seeing for the performances which really make it worth your while.

The Abyss (1989) - Virgil 'Bud' Brigman

It took me 5 evenings to finish James Cameron's famous movie and if Ed Harris in the lead role cannot get me to watch a movie in one sitting, then that means it's one boring movie. But ironically, out of all of the performances of his I've written about, this one deserves the most room. Because the man almost died while filming this movie.

While filming a scene where Harris had to hold his own breath at the bottom of the submerged set, he ran out of air and gave the signal for oxygen. Harris' safety diver got hung up on a cable and could not get to him. Another crew member gave Harris a regulator, but it was upside down and caused him to suck in water. A camera man came over, ripped the upside down regulator, and gave him one in the correct orientation. Cameron kept filming. When Harris finally got out of the water, he punched Cameron in the face. Later on, while driving home, he stopped the car and just started crying.

That's not the only story. I don't know how true the following is but it's so fucking insane - and absolutely disgusting - I have to cite it - during filming Harris demanded cabbage as a snack/meal as he was on a strict diet. This however became almost unbearable for him and indeed the rest of the crew. In one underwater scene where Harris was in his diver suit, he passed gas and the smell was so intoxicating that he actually vomited inside the suit. The scene was obviously cut and it took hours for Harris to resurface, clean the suit, submerge and re-shoot the scene. Cameron was reportedly furious with Harris for this and took action by placing air fresheners in all the actors and crew members suits to help ensure that there was no repeat of the incident. Harris also got pink eye during filming and had to wear contact lenses for a week. *

Harris recalled: "One day we were all in our dressing rooms and people began throwing couches out the windows and smashing the walls. We just had to get our frustrations out." Before the film's release, there were reports from South Carolina that Ed Harris was so upset by the physical demands of the film and Cameron's dictatorial directing style that he said he would refuse to help promote the motion picture. Harris later denied this rumor and helped promote the film. But after its release and initial promotion, Harris publicly refused to ever again discuss the film, saying "I'm never talking about it and never will."*

Feud season 3, Ryan Murphy?

The film's underwater sequences are really breathtaking and in spite of the movie being as old as I am and the rapid progress of film making technology they don't look dated at all. But there is one thing that really makes this movie memorable and it ain't got anything to do with Cameron - and I do hope he is aware of this and it drives him insane. Because what makes The Abyss worth seeing is Harris's incredible work in the resuscitation scene.

In it his character tries to revive his estranged wife. There really are no words to describe this moment and in order to really grasp it you need to sit through this movie and see this man, this peaceful, think first do later man, completely lose control. It's incredible acting. What's interesting is that Harris wasn't acting to Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio in many of the shots. He was yelling at thin air. During the scenes she did appear in, he was pounding and slapping her for real. Mastrantonio stormed off the set when she was informed that the camera broke in the middle of the scene and she refused to perform such difficult sequence one more time.

State of Grace (1990) - Frankie Flannery

I love this performance. Harris (who replaced Bill Pullman) plays the older brother of Gary Oldman's character and the boss of Irish mob. There is a conflict in this movie - once Oldman messes up Harris' character needs to decide whether to follow his family or do what's best for his organization. Except Harris' character is so unscrupulous and cold there's not even much deliberation going on. With lesser actor that would seem like a mistake, a misstep not to give the character the depth, not to give him a really difficult choice. But he is such a cold bastard in this movie it wouldn't really work. He makes for a worthy adversary for Penn's protagonist and until the very last moment the tension is right there - who will win and who will lose? Watching him get outmaneuvered and cornered, when this is the guy who always tries to be ahead of everyone else, is so much fun.

Paris Trout (1991) - Harry Seagraves

Paris Trout is filled with great acting. Denis Hopper gives a memorable performance as a repulsive and hateful man who kills a child. Ed Harris plays his attorney who has to defend him. Entangled in all of this is Paris' long suffering and abused wife (played by Barbara Hershey), whom Harris' character falls in love with. He manages to steal the show completely in a very unique, brave and beautifully acted out scene where he admits something very shameful to her character and she simply takes his hand and they make love. It's a very well written movie and it's definitely worth seeing, especially for the spectacular acting.

Glengarry Glen Ross (1992) - Dave Moss

This is one of the best written and acted movies out there, precisely because the ensemble is so good - Pacino, Lemmon, Spacey, Arkin, Baldwin, it's practically impossible to choose the MVP. Harris plays a no-nonsense,  desperate guy who is willing to do something illegal to change his miserable life. And what makes him even more miserable is that his job, in which he is not very successful at, clashes with his tremendous sense of self worth and pride. And when it all comes crashing down we are treated to one of the best meltdown scenes you'll ever see in a movie. I cannot imagine any other actor pulling it off as well as he did.



Next post: 1992 - 2001 in May.

Look, here's the thing I wanna say ...... #crybaby

A post shared by Hugh Jackman (@thehughjackman) on Jul 24, 2015 at 5:14am PDT

I think we were using the world 'adorable' wrong before applying it ONLY to Hugh.

(Checking out the videos on that instagram is guaranteed to put a smile on your face. Trust me. The side effect is that you are going to be insanely distracted...from all of...this perfection. And for a long time...so maybe watch the videos on Friday evening and then lie down for the rest of the weekend.)

Also welcome to the world where Girls is finally over! The evil has been defeated! Rejoice! Rejoice!!!

So I did another triple Hugh (this sounds like a sex thing...which it kinda is) feature on Saturday. 

Les Mis rewatch, finishing the rewatch of Logan which I started on Friday and Paperback Hero.

As usual here is the selection of my best (and by "best" I mean "most inappropriate" tweets:)

Dude what the fuck is Les Miserables. I think 5 lines in this whole thing were spoken and not sang and I'm fairly certain I am not exaggerating here. Hugh's performance was lovely as was his singing but seriously if he wasn't in it, that would be unwatchable. The songs were quite memorable, though and the music was very good and after you watch something like La La Land where the only memorable thing music-wise was Gosling's whistling you really appreciate stuff like that. Hathaway's big Oscar song was good but it's still a fairly terrible Oscar win. Redmayne...let's not even go there. I have recently proclaimed that I will rewatch this movie even though it's sewage but Hugh is in that sewage..And what do you know, there's literally a scene where Hugh has to dive into an actual sewage.. And he is doing all of that to save Redmayne which he is carrying in this moment. So he's quite literally carrying shit and was covered in shit.. 

I was just....aghast, you guys.

But then it was time for the ultimate gorgeousness. I mean really if I could choose just one movie to watch for the rest of time that would be it. I'd cry all the time, but god damn it's worth it:

(seriously why the fuck didn't that doctor do something about this gigantic wound? Was he perving uncontrollably too?)

(if so he is the second most relatable character in this movie right after the chick who shows Logan her tits in the limo. Oh my God. If this was me not only would I do that I'd just teleport myself to his lap in the driver's seat. Oh God, I can just picture it right now. We would so totally crash that car.)

(I had A LOT OF THOUGHTS during this movie and take my word for it - the stuff I'm writing here is still decent comparing to what is lurking in my mind about this whole film and this guy.)

I truly don't think there was ever a character hotter than this man here.

The beard. The swearing. The suit. The quiet rage. Him saying stuff like 'that's not a choo-choo'. The reading glasses.

Oh good God, the reading glasses.

All of it. Just all of it. 

Well apart from this tiny moment where he was so totally cool with leaving a child behind and if those cars didn't block him he would probably do that but that is details, baby, details.

No, but seriously the film is so damn realistic - of course he wanted to leave Laura behind. These guys are after her. His main instinct was to protect Charles, his friend. That is also his first instinct after X-24 takes her away. Logan doesn't go after him, no, he goes upstairs to see Charles.

But really, god damn, Hugh. 

That man is a menace. 

There were actually moments where I had to pause the video. Stare. Shake my head in disbelief and awe. Sigh. Giggle. Drink water. Fan myself. 

Cry. Yell 'how?!' when looking up. Put my fist through a wall. Dance around naked in the moonlight. Sacrifice a goat. Praise the Gods for placing him on this Earth. 

And only then I could resume watching.

Also on a rewatch you really appreciate so much more about this movie (changed the grade from 9,5/10 to 10). 

The agonizing scream Laura lets out when she sees Charles' body.

The fact that when the dad asks Logan how long Laura was mute it seems that only in this moment Logan realized she has not said a single word to him. He didn't notice. She didn't need to speak. She has been through the same thing he was and he gets it, so he doesn't even realize this girl didn't say anything. There are no words necessary. 

The banter between Logan and Xavier being so natural it feels like watching real people. It's all so emotional. And it's so damn funny, Like that moment at the gas station when Logan helps Xavier because he needs to pee and Xavier is like I can't go when you're looking and Logan says Trust me I'm not looking while striking this fucking pose:

(have you ever laughed while you were drooling profusely? Well I did right then and trust me, you can die this way)

Holy fuck I never wanted to be in the men's room of some shady gas station in US more. It would take me 3 seconds to rip all of his clothes off him.

I actually realized there are quick bits from this film for the life of me I don't remember like Caliban's remark about Logan not being able to read the label or the armpit stab during the fight. The latter is easily explained by me simply perving so hard with two of Hugh grunting and fighting that I blacked out momentarily, but the first was probably me just being too mesmerized to retain the events in my brain. After all he was brooding sexily in this moment.

I am so gonna do that 'things I love no one talks about' list like the ones Alex does for this movie once it hits Blu-Ray (which is in a month) and I can perv in high definition. 

Paperback Hero was so charming. It was one of the first movies Hugh did and he was using his Australian accent in it. I was swooning all over the place.

I got MettelRay to watch it and she was swooning too. Lisi is rewatching all of the X-Men movies because of me. I think Hugh owes me something. I'm not saying a lot, seriously the tiniest thing would kill me.And my staycation is almost done so please sir, end me.

On Christmas Day I saw a movie where Ed Harris played a priest. And now on Easter Monday I saw the movie where Hugh voiced Easter Bunny. I'm so going to hell. They're gonna need to make like a special circle for me. 

Like something where Logan is naked but I'm tied up and cannot touch him. 

I just turned myself on typing that sentence. 

Rise of the Guardians was so cute! Hugh made for one badass bunny and I kept wondering if his fear of flying is a homage to X-Men (Logan hates flying, that precious lovely angel). And there was this moment where he was so tiny and I just went 'awwwww'.

Also in important news it looks that boo kangaroo stopped shaving. The end is nigh. And by that I mean I sense the beard is about to come back.

Big Litte Lies is overhyped as hell. I saw all the episodes in one day so those music video like sequences which were opening and ending every episode were pissing me off so bad. This thing could have been twice shorter if it wasn't for all those scenes. Also the show was filled with ridiculous ideas - so Jane doesn't know how her best friend's husband looks like? And that final confrontation was just laughable, yes I'm sure he would have flipped out and just beating the crap out of all those women. The acting was all around wonderful - Zoe Kravitz surprised me the most. And that dinner at Bonnie scene where Madeline kept throwing up was hysterical. But that gigantic praise...really?

Veep is back! Very strong premiere episode and Ben describing Uber as a service for the  millennials too lazy to learn how to drunk drive was so funny

I'm actually on my 9 day long vacation right now and I was supposed to watch tons more stuff but between catching up with Ed Harris' films for my posts, boo kangaroo marathoning and Veep and Big Little Lies I didn't see anything else. But I cleaned my room. And went bra shopping. Turns out I went up a cup size. Maybe I got pregnant while rewatching Logan? I am not ruling it out, you guys.

New trailer for The Beguiled dropped so of course I had to whine again:

Oh man, the stuff that is going on in this trailer. The stockings being ripped, the buttons falling off...pretty sure if I ever wrote a porn novel - and I think at this point we all agree that I should - it would be like that, the setting being the same and all. 

But instead of all those women there would just be me and the wounded soldier. 

From Australia.

Hold on....it seems that my porn novel is a new version of Misery but with youngish, hottish lady psycho aka me. 

Oopsie.

Don't worry sir, I live on kale so there is no way I can lift a sledgehammer. 

The trailer is awesome but it's spoiling quite a lot of the film. Still it's nice that we have something to look forward to during the summer, it seems like most of the potentially fantastic films is premiering in the fall/winter.

Finally first footage from Kingsman: The Golden Circle but you are gonna need to watch it frame by frame. The film looks great and it seems Moore is having tons of fun there.

This being released and The Beguiled trailer (which premiered on CinemaCon) showing up in entirety today suggest those Blade Runner 2049 and The Greatest Showman trailers I keep waiting for may be getting released soon. For the love of God, come on!

J-boobrought his favorite jacket to Coachella. Everyone there dresses ridiculously so he must feel right at home there.

Melissa McCarthywas amazing on SNL again.

Vin Diesel and The Rocksigned up for another Fast and the Furious movie. 

I talked about Tyrese's ridiculous remarks last week. He since apologized and it reads like 'my wife is mad at me and won't sleep with me so here is this verbal diarrhea'. 

Julia Robertsis People's magazine most beautiful woman. Insert Ryan Reynolds but why gif here.

Taika Waititi and Elizabeth Debicki on Guardians of The Galaxy 2 premiere last night. Also Karen Gillan and most importantly her incredible shoes:

I finally saw Atomic Blonde trailers, urged to do so by one of the readers here. I'm glad I did that because those were seriously cool trailers and while I'm not convinced the movie is gonna be good I'll definitely see that for Charlize and James McAvoy.

Tonight and tomorrow it's the double feature of Furious 7 (which I am livetweeting atm) and The Fate of the Furious so until next Friday, when I'm inevitably even dumber than today.

And finally I may be in Poland but it's National High Five Day in America so that's good enough excuse to use this gif:

Allie writes about Big Little Lies, Legion and Girls

MettelRay reviews John Wick Chapter 2

Dell gave his movie awards for 2015

Brittani reviews In the Bedroom

Listen to Alex discuss Song to Song on Matineecast

AssholesWatchingMovies reviews The Fate of the Furious

Vinnieh asks about the favorite performances of the one and only Hugh Jackman

and finally, in his quest to see every abomination ever made m.brown watched Passengers and perved about JLaw. I don't know how to help him.

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